Is Eddie Murphy funny?

Thursday, February 17, 2011

The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring: Reviewgasm!

I highly recommend you sit through this movie before reading my review. You're going to have no idea what I'm talking about.

Oh, and it's gonna be really long too, like, REALLY LONG.



Part 1: Introduction

Well folks, I find myself again at odds with my Yellow competitor, Tony Williams, in a reviewgasm battle to the death.

At first I planned to review Ang Lee's reviled "Hulk" for this illustrious occasion, but then I had an epiphany.

See, everybody knows Ang Lee's "Hulk" is awful, I don't need to tell you that. But there are movies that exist that people actually love, that are fucking awful, even worse than Ang Lee's "Hulk." Today I'm reviewing a movie with a 96% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes, which is more than All 3 original Star Wars movies. Today I'm reviewing an overblown, drawn out, boring, stupid, dull, generic piece of awful, awful filmmaking. Today I'm reviewing: Lord of the Rings.

Part 2: So it Begins...

When I was about 5 my Dad told me that if I loved Star Wars so much, which I did, that I should see Lord of the Rings. So he took me to Blockbuster one Saturday night when him and my mom were going out or something to get it on VHS. I watched the first 5 minutes then turned it off. I was confused, bored, and didn't care. I assumed I just wasn't old enough for it yet, and forgot about the Rings movies.

When I was 11 Peter Jackson released the 4 disc special edition DVDs for all 3 movies, so I decided to go out an buy them and watch them from a more mature perspective.

This is when the last remnants of my innocence and naivety were drained away and I became the bitter, annoyed, cynic that I am today. I wasted 9 and a half fucking hours of my life watching those movies, not to mention the other 9 and a half fucking hours I had to sit through for this review. So here you go. Here's my gift to you. I will tear apart the Lord of the Rings Movies infront of your very eyes.

Well let's dive right in, shall we?

Part 3: Everything

I don't even know where to start. I mean, I guess I could describe what's bad, but that literally involves everything in the film.

First I'd like to tell you about a little something in screenwriting called "Tone." This is how a movie feels. Generally, a movie should establish this in the very beginning or early on so the audience isn't thrown off, because then they become apprehensive and dismiss it.

The Lord of the Rings starts off by describing a dark fantasy plot from ages long past. We witness a brutal war, a dark lord, trickery, evil forces, assassinations, strangling, and a horrible and grotesque transformation into a monster, secluded from society left to fend for himself in the mountains.

Then we cut to a nice little vegetable garden where a bunch of midgets are having a birthday party.

This is m first problem with this movie. It doesn't know what it wants to be. It switches off between dark sword and sorcery and light hearted adventure. But this is just the beginning folks, we're going deep into the pits Mordor...

Part 4: The Beginning

Well, I guess the most obvious place to start is the beginning, right? Well basically here's how it goes:

A bunch of people made a bunch of rings. Then this bunch of people gave these rings to various leadership groups in each race: The 3 Elf Kings, the 9 Mortal Kings, and the 7 Dwarf Lords. But then this dark lord made a ring and that flung the kingdom into war.

Ugh...

Okay, this is the first major plot hole. How did this one magic ring somehow fling all of civilization into a massive war? I mean, were they fighting over the ring? How did they know about the ring? Plus, wouldn't the magic of the 19 other magic good rings counteract the evil of this one bad ring? Plus, if Frodo is walking around holding the ring with a bunch of people the entire time, (see later on in the review) how is this tiny group of 9 people suddenly immune to the Ring's charms when it flung AN ENTIRE FUCKING CIVILIZATION INTO WAR.

And if any of you fuckheads tell me it was explained in the book or something, I don't care. I'm reviewing the movies, asshole.

Plus, who is this dark lord, and why is he making a ring? If he has evil powers, wouldn't they transcend on the population regardless of whether or not he makes a ring?

See how as soon as you ask a few questions in the first 30 seconds of the movie it completely falls apart?

Okay, so somehow, this ring flung an entire civilization of people into depression. But a small group of men and elves rose up to fight the dark lord and his armies and restore peace and balance to the kingdom.

Here we go again.

The dark lord has armies now? Where did they come from? Why did they agree to serve him? Is he paying them?

And it's at this point that we learn that the ring was on the dark lord's finger the whole time anyway! So then how were the people fucking fighting over it? How did they even know about it? I mean, like, if he threw the ring out in the open and was like "fight for it assholes!" I'd understand! But here it just makes no fucking sense! Frodo runs into hundreds of people on his journey later on in the movie and not fucking one of them has any idea what the hell any ring is. So if this ring was powerful enough to transcend its evil powers on everybody on the god damn planet Earth then why in the fuck is it not doing that later in the movie?! Furthermore, we also learn that the ring just holds the Dark Lord's soul! So it really doesn't have evil powers that weren't already there when the dark lord existed, right?

Okay, you're probably getting a little lost, so lemme explain this more simply. The Dark Lord existed for about a thousand years before he made the ring. So when he did make the ring, we're told that its evil powers were so large that they flung the entire world into war, despite never leaving his finger. But later, we find out that the ring isn't evil on its own, it just embodies the Dark Lord's soul. So whatever evil that the ring created already existed because the ring is just a ring that has the dark lord's soul in it, and the dark lord was around way before the ring.

Seriously, I just don't get this guy. He's such a vague, convenient villain. I mean, "dark lord?" Could you be any more cliche?

See, it's quite obvious that they want to make this villain mysterious, but they completely threw that away when they had Sauron march out  into the open battle (the next scene) and throw this giant shit fit where he slams people halfway across the battlefield with one hit of his stupid mace. When I think of a dark lord, I think of a schemer, someone who waits in the shadows to strike, not an armor clad retard with explosive diarrhea. This guy is such a macguffin, I have no idea why audiences love him so much.

Wow, that took awhile. Back to the plot.

So the two armies have this big, stupid, CGI battle. This guy named Prince Isildur kills the Dark Lord.

Wait a minute...

The dark lord can just be stabbed? Then he's DEAD?! HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KILL OFF YOUR MAIN FUCKING VILLAIN IN THE FIRST TWO FUCKING MINUTES!

Oh no, the ring is the main villain? Are you kidding me? OUR MAIN VILLAIN, IS A FUCKING PIECE OF SILVER!

Ugh, ok, let's get through this people.

So Isildur is happy for about five minutes because he has the ring, but then these two stupid little orcs jump out and stab him. So the ring falls to the bottom of this lake and stays there for 2,000 years.

How the hell did a ring that stayed on a guy's finger fling an entire world into war, but when it's at the bottom of a little pond it can't do SHIT?! WHAT THE FUCK? Plus, I'm sure that in a length OF TWO THOUSAND FUCKING YEARS that some fisherman or something would fing a little ring at the bottom of a ten foot pond. Well, that's exactly what happens, two thousand years later, when the ring is found by a hobbit named Smeagol. The ring transforms him into the hideous creature Gollum.

Wait, how did a ring transform someone into a monster? It didn't have that affect before! Plus, if the Ring is no longer concealed under water, shouldn't the world be flung into misery and darkness? They're really inconsistent with what this ring does. Anyway, 500 years later, Bilbo Baggins, this fat hobbit, steals Gollum's ring for absolutely no reason whatsoever, and he takes it back to his home in this place called "The Shire." Then our actual plot begins 60 years later.

Wow, it took us the length of one of my reviews for a two hour movie to get through the first 3 minutes of this fucker. I'm not kidding, all that shit you just read, was literally in the first 3 minutes of the movie. And this fucker's 3 hours. Holy shit.

Part 5: Midgets and Spells

60 years later...the shire...

So after about 3 minutes of pure shit, we come upon our main character, a mild mannered hobbit (basically a midget with Spock ears) named Frodo Baggins, nephew of Bilbo Baggins, the fat ass who stole the ring from Gollum. Anyway, this wizard named Gandalf whose known the hobbits for a lon time comes to celebrate Bilbo's 111th birthday. After the party, Bilbo plans to ditch out on the shire and go live with a bunch of elves (White People with Spock Ears who live forever.) Strangely enough, Elves are known to be very tall, as oppose to the midget Santa elves, who are more like hobbits. What the fuck?

Gandalf convinces Bilbo to leave the ring for Frodo, because none of them really understand it's power, but Gandalf thinks that it's causing Bilbo's prolonged age.

But my question is, why is he leaving the ring for Frodo? Frodo is basically, like, a little kid. He smiles and plays and is very naive and innocent, he's clearly not responsible enough for this task.

So at the party, Bilbo plays a trick where he puts on the ring and disappears somehow, strange, I didn't know the ring could do that, I guess it's just going to become another convenient ploy that the writer can use to do anything in the story. So Bilbo is off on his journey to live with elves and the Ring is left for Frodo.

Now there aren't many plot problems in this section, but this is only because there is no plot. I mean, the pacing is so off, it feels really lopsided. In the first 3 minutes of the movie they expose so much plot it could have been its own 9 and a half hour trilogy, and then for the next 30 nothing happens. It might be the most perfect example of awful juxtaposition in any movie (except for maybe the end of Return of the King.)

Part 6: What the fuck is a protagonist?

One thing I was originally going to say these movies had going for them was that they actually used a fish-out-of-water protagonist so that expository dialogue could be uttered without being awkward, unlike the Star Wars prequels. But then I realized that they didn't utilize this in the movies at all. To fully understand what I mean, I need to explain the next part of the plot to you.

So after Bilbo leaves and Frodo inherits the Ring, Gandalf leaves for 17 years. While gone, he does research on what the ring is, where it came from, and who has had it in history, but the whole thing is shown in montage anyway, so they literally could've just cut the scene altogether.

But Gandalf returns to the shire with his new found knowledge on the ring. He finds Frodo and tells him that the ring must be destroyed in the fires of Mount Doom, a volcano where the Ring was created by the Dark Lord.

Seriously, Dark Lord? Mount Doom? These are like the most obvious names for bad things ever! What's next? Captain McBadguy?

But anyway, basically, Gandalf tells Frodo this little poem that he heard about the ring, and that he needs to cast into the fires of mount doom. And that's it.

This is what I was talking about before when I said that they don't utilize this fish-out-of-water concept at all. This would be the logical point for the history of the ring to be explained to the audience, because it's being explained to Frodo as well. They could've started the movie off with Bilbo's party, had the next few scenes, then Gandalf does some research, comes back, and explains what the fuck is going on with this ring business. But for no fucking reason whatsoever they decided to have this, awkward, stupid, boring narration at the beginning where they just outright explain they entire last 2,560 years to you in 3 minutes. Plus, there's no scene where Frodo is actually explained the history of the ring, so we have to assume he doesn't know, so not only does it not make sense from a screenwriting standpoint, but in the context of the plot as well. Plus, the pacing works much better, because it builds up the history of the ring and the cool fantasy elements. What they did was start with the cool stuff, and then force us to endure 40 minutes of nothingness. Those 40 minutes would not have been so bad if we were anticipating
future events and discovering the history of the ring, but no, it's given to us right away, so we're not anticipating anything. It just doesn't work because your audience just gets bored watching nothing after so much plot packed into such a small time slot. This is the set up for the entire movie and it's basically shown so quickly we have little to no time to comprehend it. So, usually I don't like submitting things to make this movie better, because literally everything is done completely wrong, but I think they should've started with the boring stuff, which is okay because we're anticipating the good stuff so it's not boring. Gandalf could provide a basis for the history of the ring when he talks to Frodo about it, and then the details could be revealed gradually throughout the rest of the film.

Part 7: 4 Hobbits and a Plot Hole

So Gandalf tells Frodo that he has to go consult his master, Sauroman, but Frodo needs to start on his journey. He says he'll meet him at an Inn called the "Brandybuck" or something stupid like that. But Frodo isn't going alone, he's taking a fat kid, Charlie from Lost, and some guy you never heard of on his little journey. Does Gandalf honestly think he can breach fucking Mount Doom with himself and 4 little kids?

So Gandalf goes to talk to Sauroman and get his help. There he finds out that his wizard master who looks and sounds like a bad guy is actually a bad guy. Who would've guessed that a guy who talks about joining the forces of evil constantly is actually evil.

The stupid thing about this scene is how surprised Gandalf reacts. It's like really, you couldn't tell? Watch the movie and you'll know what I'm talking about.

So at this point, the movie starts to feel incredibly rushed. And it takes a long time, but there's so much fucking plot they need to get out that they basically glance over some of the really important plot points.

Frodo, Sam, and the other two retards have about 20 minutes where literally all they do is play around and talk about nothing. That is, until these guys in black capes show up to hunt Frodo. This has the potential to be interesting. Who are these people? Where do they come from? I'm interested now.

But no, of course it was revealed 40 minutes earlier in the stupid fucking opening narration, so all the mystery and intrigue of who these guys are is lost. Apparently, they're the 9 mortal kings of men, who were enslaved by the dark lord to find the ring which he lost to Isildur.

Wait a minute, I thought the dark lord was dead? Isildur stabbed him, right? Well, apparently the fuck not! The Dark Lord comes back to life for absolutely no reason with no explanation whatsoever, but not in his original form, in the form of A GIANT FUCKING EYEBALL. WHY IS HE AN EYEBALL?!! OUR FUCKING VILLAINS IN THIS MOVIE ARE A PIECE OF ROUND SILVER AND A GIANT FUCKING EYEBALL. OOOHHHH! I'M REALLY SCARED NOW!!!

Ugh...How much more of this do we have? 2 HOURS?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!

Part 8: Them Crazy Orcs

I really don't get what the fucking deal is with these stupid orcs. They just seem to have fucked up so badly in the villain department in this movie it's not even funny.

Okay, so right off the bat nothing makes sense about these orcs. We see Sauroman instructing orcs to create other orcs in this little underground orc factory. My question is, if orcs are making orcs, who made those orcs? Plus, it's understood that Sauroman only recently became evil, so who was instructing the creation of orcs for the other 2,000 years?! And we know they existed because Aragorn (we'll get to him in a minute) talks about fighting them in the past. So where the fuck did all these orcs come from? Fucking eyeball man couldn't have been instructing them, so who was?! There's so many fucking holes in this goddamn orc plot it makes me sick.

Part 9: More Potential Gone to Waste

So finally Frodo and his company of faggots arrive at the Brandybuck Inn, but Gandalf is nowhere to be found. It is at this point that we discover that Gandalf is the prisoner of Sauroman in Isengard.

So anyway, Merry and Pippin get drunk, then Frodo decides to get up on a table and sing a song for some reason? Um, ok?

Then, the most unlikely possible thing ever happens. Frodo trips on nothing and falls off the table. The ring falls out of his pocket and into the air, completely ignoring the concept of this thing called "gravity", he lands flat on his ass with his index finger stretched out for some reason, and then the ring falls exactly on his finger that's outstretched, causing him to disappear. I mean, wow, that's like a good 8 laws of physics they defy right there. So Frodo enters into this strange evil world when he puts the ring on, and he goes into some strange sort of trance, which basically means the effects guy plays around with the smudge tool on photoshop.

Here's another thing I don't understand about the ring, if it causes so much depression and war, why do people want it so badly? I understand that it has like tempting powers or some other convenient excuse, but it doesn't do anything for the person who has it. All that happens for Frodo is he goes into this weird dream world. So why is he always so tempted to put it on? Plus, doesn't he look stupid fidgeting around in real life? What is everybody doing during that time? Just standing there scratching their heads?

Okay, so Frodo gets the ring off and the 4 homos are thrown in the back, where they find a guy named Strider, who claims he is a friend of Gandalf, and that he asked him to take the boys the Palace of Elrond, the elf king. Strider is a ranger, a man of swordsmanship who knows his way around the forest and hunts black riders. But the interesting thing about Strider is that he is actually Aragorn, the next in the line of kings, starting with Isildur, who killed the dark lord. See, Strider has the potential to be very interesting. He could be torn between being a king and being a ranger, and there could be irony in the fact that he's basically fighting his ancestors when he fights the 9 black riders. But no, he's just a guy who can fight things and walk places. I mean, they mention it a few times, but he never really does anything that makes him seem like a king, besides being the heir to the throne. He's a ranger, that's it. There's so much wasted potential in the character of Aragorn. Just another thing that sucks in this shit-ton of a movie. But don't worry. We still have 2 hours of stupidity left to analyze.

Part 10: Who hired the midget?

Alas, Frodo, the guy from A History of Violence, an annoying fat kid, Charlie, and his dumb twin or something are off, walking to the palace of an elf king who we know nothing about and is played by V from V for Vendetta.

On the way we have some really stupid comedy relief scenes that feel out of place and forced, most of them involving the hobbits being fat asses and wanting a "second breakfast." Ok, sure. Whatever.

They stop for the night in this little tower and the 4 homos sleep together while Aragorn goes on "patrol."

What the fuck? That may be the stupidest thing ever. Why the fuck would he leave Frodo, quite possibly the most important person ever, completely unprotected from an attack by the black riders, who they literally just discussed are in the forest. What the fuck do you hope to accomplish on patrol you fucking retard? Do you want Frodo to get attacked? Why not stay there so if the black riders come you can fight them you fucking moron!

Well, guess what the fat people do? They be fat and make bacon in the middle of the night over an open flame, and then the black riders notice the fire and attack. But the almighty motherfucking King Aragorn is on "patrol" so he can't help.

Well, Frodo pulls out his sword, and then literally just falls on his ass and puts the ring on. Yeah, good fight you gave there, pal. But oh, good old Aragorn shows up to kick some ass, but Frodo gets stabbed. So, guess what? The sword broke off and is working its way to his heart. If it reaches it, he becomes a black rider.

First of all, wouldn't they look really silly if they were trying to ride around acting badass, and they had this little guy tagging along with them? And second, don't you think that in 2000 years someone else would have been stabbed by these guys other than Frodo? Apparently not, because there's still only 9 of them. Seriously, these guys couldn't kill a stormtrooper.

Part 11: Steven Tyler's not Very Hot Daughter is in this Movie

So Aragorn kills off like 5 of the dark riders or something, and tells Frodo that only Elrond can fix his wound, so they must go to his castle. They walk a lot, and then finally Aragorn gets stopped by Arwen, some elf chick who he's nailing on the side. She's Elrond's daughter, and because he's mortal and she's and elf king's daughter, they have this cute little forbidden love complex going on.

This romance is simply awful. The connection goes no further than the fact that their love is forbidden. Not only that, but they share maybe one or two scenes together in the whole trilogy! We're just flat out told we have to care about their relationship because it's "forbidden." What the fuck is that? This is quite possibly the worst romance since Anakin and Padme. Yeah, it's that bad.

So Frodo gets chased by the Black Riders to Elrond's palace, where he stops in a stream. Suddenly the stream rises up for some reason and kills the black riders just as Frodo passes out.

He wakes up in the palace with Gandalf there. He tells him that Sauroman is evil and that he put him on the roof, so he was scared because it was high up. Then a big bird came and gave him a little ride to the castle. Now I've heard this said before, but why wouldn't the bird just fly Frodo right to Mount Doom in like an hour, then he just throws the ring in and goes home. I mean they fly him back in the 3rd movie, why couldn't he just hitch a ride with them?

So after some atrocious dialogue scenes between Arwen and Aragorn, Frodo finds Bilbo, now hideously old and deformed, is living with the elves. He's still completely insane and freaks out on Frodo whenever he sees the Ring.

Anyway, Elrond holds a council with all his bestest friends to decide on what's gonna happen with this Ring bullshit. Basically, The dwarf tries to destroy it, Aragorn acts stoic, Legolas acts like a complete girly man (what do you expect from Orlando Bloom?) and Boromir gives this incredibly stupid line about using the ring to their advantage. This guy is written like a drunk, and I have no idea why he's even there.

They all start fighting about nothing, then Frodo says that he'll take the ring to Mordor. So they have a fellowship of 9, which consists of Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin, Aragorn, Gandalf, Gimli, Legolas, and Drunkard-I mean Boromir.

This is the stupidest idea. Why are 9 fucking people going on a the most important thing in the history of ever? They have like thousands of Elf Soldiers, why not just send all of them to breach Mordor and drop the ring in. And even if I were to accept that 9 people are going to do this, it's not 9 of the best trained soldiers in the kingdom, it's a midget, weird identical twins, a fat kid, a homeless guy, an old man who played Magneto, a drunk, a little dwarf with a beard, and a transsexual. For fuck's sake, what is this, the odd couple, but with 9 of them?!

Part 12: What are these people talking about?

So we're off, on our long walk to Mount Doom. This is the point where this movie just completely stops making any sense at all. The parts before this were bad, but this is the part where everything just dies.

So apparently Sauroman can control the weather (which I'm surprised he doesn't do more often) so he sends a blizzard to knock them off the side of the hill. It completely fails and next thing we know they're sitting by a pond on a clear day. Why doesn't he just shoot a lighting bolt and kill Frodo? What the fuck?

So at this Pond, they discuss whether or not they should walk over the mountains, or go into this stupid place that we never heard of called the mines of Moria. To this day I really don't understand what this place is, but from what I can gather dwarves mine gold there. Gimli says that his cousin is mining there with a party and he wants to go chill with his cousin, despite the fact that there's Orcs crawling all over the place and they could get killed in like a second. But Frodo decides to go in the mines. This is the problem with hiring an inexperienced midget to do the most important thing ever. He's bound to make some really dumb decisions. Wouldn't it be more advantageous to go through the mountains, because there's no Orcs?

But, so we can have a ball numbing action scene, we go to the mines.

Oh yeah, action. Isn't thats something you'd expect this movie to have? Nope. Just walking.

So they get to the mines but Gandalf needs a secret password to get in. Ok, I'm gonna let that slide, because it's not too big of a problem, it's just kind of silly. I mean, what is it, a clubhouse?

The other reason I'm not tearing it apart is because following is two of the stupidest scenes in movie history. One only lasts a couple seconds, but it's so fucking dumb. For some reason, Aragorn lets their only horse go. Oh, yeah! Some great fucking king this guy would make! I've made a list of all the reasons why this decision is absolutely retarded.

1: A horse could carry your things as to not slow you down in the event of an orc attack.
2: If there is an Orc attack, you could put Frodo on the horse which would allow him to get away faster.
3: If you run out of food in the mines, the horse could serve as a meal to keep you going.

The thing practically pays for itself! So why in the fuck do they get rid of it?!

"The mines of moria are no place for a horse."

Good fucking explanation! Anything to back that up?! No?! Ok. Go fuck yourself.

And the next stupid scene occurs when the dumb fucking hobbits are tossing rocks in the water by the mine entrance while waiting for Gandalf to figure out the password. Then, the "best king ever" Aragorn, tells them "don't tempt the waters."

Well what the fuck does that mean? "Don't tempt the waters?!!!" Are they serious?! What kind of a shitty line is that?! How is he "tempting" fucking water?! It's a goddamn lake! I mean granted, there's a sea monster in it, but Aragorn doesn't know that! Plus, how is that tempting it by throwing rocks at it! Not one fucking iota of sense can be made from that!

But it goes further. Gandalf gets that the password is the elvish word for friend, even through the mines of Moria are for Dwarves. Whatever. They all start to enter, but then this stupid CGI water monster pops up and grabs Frodo. Is it because it was getting rocks thrown at it?! But Frodo wasn't throwing the rocks! It's for plot convenience, if people saw Merry or Pippin get grabbed they'd start chanting eat him!

So apparently this macguffin was vaguely alluded to by Aragorn's stupid line, but this sea monster is such a convenient way for us to have an action scene because Peter knows the audience is getting fucking bored at this point. So he throws in this little sea monster. They make it into this big abstract deal like "there are worse things in the dark places of the earth than Orcs." It was a litte fight because he got mad that he got pelted with a little rock! Oooohhh! I'm really scared of the over the top tentacle sea monster that looks like Kang and Kodos from the Simpsons!

So they get inside and start walking around as usual. Gimli is looking for his cousin, but then they find a journal that says that he died in an Orc attack. So the bad news is: there's orcs sweeping the place. And the good news is: since Gimli's cousin is dead, we don't need to deal with another stupid, inconsistent, poorly written supporting character.

Part 13: FIGHTING! RAR!

So they walk, and they walk, and they walk...

The abridged version of my review: Walking. The End.

No, sadly I am forced to tear apart every aspect of this fucker.

So one of their, who'da thunk it, "walks," Frodo sees someone following them. He asks Gandalf, and Gandalf says it's Gollum. Time for another list:

1: How did Gandalf know it was Gollum? He never looked and all Frodo saw was a shadow.
2: The first time I saw this, I had no idea who Gollum was. I had to go back and watch it again to realize they mention him in the opening. But that was just a vague reference to "The Hobbit," now he's a major character?! Why?!
3: The only thing keeping Gollum alive for all that time was The Ring, so after 77 years without it don't you think he would've fucking bit the dust already?!

God I'm getting annoyed.

But don't go yet folks! We're about to get to the mindless video game action!

So the fucking stupid hobbits once again act fucking stupid and drop a barrel into a well for absolutely no fucking reason whatsoever. The goddamn fucking Orcs hear them and make a big attack. They have their stupid fight and Frodo gets hit, but he had a shirt that Bilbo gave him that protected him from it. So they're running out and then this thing that looks like a really short version of Megatron comes out and Gandalf fights him and falls off the ledge and dies. Boo fucking hoo. If you think about it, Gandalf is constantly in and out of the movies. He's never always there.

So they run away into the forest which is where they should have just gone from the start and go to this secret elf province where the three rings made for them are kept in secret. Why don't they just use those to fight the dark lord? And what happened to the 7 dwarf rings? I don't know if i can keep going on with this. This movie sucks so fucking much. Not one goddamn thing makes one iota of sense.

Part 14: Please god, make it stop, make it end!

So for some reason, this sudden new conflict arises where Frodo needs to decide if they're going to break their fellowship. Well why the fuck is that even a question?! Why would you send a hobbit into fucking Mordor of all places alone?! I mean, it was even stupid sending 9 people, let alone one! Frodo can't defend himself if he gets attacked?! Plus, what are Aragorn, Boromir, Gimli, Legolas, Sam, Merry, and Pippin going to do?! Just fight Orcs?! If you destroy the ring it will kill all the orcs!! I'm fucking losing it with this shit!!! Why is this suddenly a problem?!! Why the fuck did this come about, and why is so suddenly and abruptly introduced to the audience out of fucking nowhere!!!???

So ANYWAY, the fucking stupid hobbits ride up a lake to get to the other side because supposedly there's less Orcs. They talk about whether or not they should break their fellowship and some other stupid shit.

So Boromir gets drunk again and yells at Frodo, then tries to steal the ring. Again, why did they take this guy? I mean, the only ones who seem to have any competence in this group is Aragorn and Legolas. And sometimes Gimli. When he's not being fat and pounding drinks. I mean, why didn't they just send Aragorn into Mordor? Yeah, actually, that makes a lot more sense. Isn't he the rightful heir to the ring? Isn't it his task to destroy it? Why does it fall on Frodo? Because his fat uncle told him to?!

So suddenly, when Frodo gets away from Ginny the Drunk, he gets attacked by Orcs. Apparently they crossed a 10 ft lake also! Wow! Aragorn pops out and fights them and Frodo runs away. He hops in a boat and its completely unclear what he's doing at this point. Then Sam jumps in the boat and through some awfully written dialogue we find that Frodo is breaking the fellowship and Sam is going with him. Genius I tell you. Genius.

So stupid fuckin' Merry and Pippin get attacked but Ginny the Drunk comes to help them out and gets shot by arrows and dies. Again: Boo fucking Hoo. Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas go after the kidnapped Merry and Pippin, and Frodo and Sam go off to Mordor, thus concluding, the first part in the unholy trilogy.

Part 15: "Thank God, now I can finally stop reading this stupid review by this dumb kid who thinks I care about his opinion because he has a blog."-You

So, what have we learned? I mean, this movie is such a massive fucking failure. It has such an over-detailed and expansive plot that it's impossible to fit it into any length. But that's the problem really. This movie is too fucking long. And I wouldn't mind if the pacing was okay, the characters wer fleshed out, and the plot holes weren't so many and so close together. I mean, anyone with half a brain could punch so many fucking holes in this plot it would look like a piece of half-eaten swiss cheese afterwards.

So why did this do so well?! Because Peter Jackson knows how to trick an audience. It covers up its many plot holes with drawn out CGI battles that entertain retarded people. So, we've learned that you can make a piece of shit movie, but make tons of money and get great reviews because you have a pre-disposed fan base. (Revenge of the Sith, anyone?)

But it goes further than just tricking your audience. To describe this, I'd like to tell you an anecdote called "The Emperor's New Clothes." A scheming merchant goes to the emperor empty-handed, but pretends that he's woven magical clothing, that only intelligent people can see. The emperor says that he loves it, in fear of saying he is unintelligent. The merchant is Peter Jackson. The clothes are this movie. And the emperor is YOU.

So am I saying that if you like Lord of the Rings, you're a stupid person with no penis? Yes. That's exactly what I'm saying.

This movie gets a rare 0 out of 10. I mean, I gave Attack of the Clones a 1, but this is just dreadful. No value can be derived from this.

Peace.

The.

Fuck.

OUT!!!!!!!


                                                                           Fin.




























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