Is Eddie Murphy funny?

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

The World of Brian Magid: Lies, Death, War, Dr. Pepper, Masturbation, Star Wars, and Cheetos

   I guess I'll start at the beginning.

I was born a poor black child in New Orleans. My father was a mobster named Big Daddy who was actually a Caribbean dictator named Kananga who was fighting James Bond. I learned to play the saxophone at a very young age, but despite my incredible skill, I could not find work. 

As a young man, the age of 10 actually, my parents were shot down in front of my eyes by a petty criminal. As I sat between their bloody corpses, a solemnly swore to destroy all crime. My disguise would be that of a bat, although I quickly abandoned this silly childhood ambition.

As a teenager I was very popular in school. I do recall one day where me, my best friend Cameron, and my girlfriend who oddly looked a lot like Mia Sara, skipped out on class to tour Chicago. My principal, Mr. Rooney, was so mad he tried to break into my house to find me. Luckily I made it back just in time to find my sister fucking Charlie Sheen and my principal covered in shit. Good times.

Due to my fun loving and inconsequential high school days, no College would accept me, so I got a job working as a janitor at a college. I was smarter than most of the kids there, so sometimes I would just go up to the board when I was done hanging out with Ben Affleck and solve a problem on the board. I was fired, and Ben Affleck was shot up during a criminal syndicate near Christmas.

Unable to find work, I got a small gang together and we would dress up in the masks of ex-presidents and perform robberies. This was very successful, so I was promoted to Don of the criminal syndicate. I had three children, and adopted a young man who we called Sonny, sadly, he was brutally shot to death at Tobay beach. My son Michael fled to Italy, but returned and took over my crime syndicate. I left the cime business after that.

Always fascinated by movies, a joined an expedition by one Mr. Carl Denham to go to a mysterious uncharted Island to shoot his picture a modern beauty and the beast story. Sadly, his film was destroyed was the harshness of the jungle, but we found something better, a giant ape called Kong who had an uncanny fascination with our leading actress Ms. Ann Darrow. We were able to capture Kong and bring him back to New York, where he broke loose and went on a rampage through Downtown Manhattan, and climbed up the Empire State Building where he was shot down by machine gun bullets from airplanes.

I volunteered to a scientist to have him test out his new shrinking ray on me, which reduced me to half my height. I changed my name to Frodo Baggins and moved to New Zealand. A wizard named Gandalf came to me and asked to throw a magic ring into lava, and it took me a long, long, long, long, time, but I did it eventually. I was returned to my normal height and came back to the United States.

There, I set up a newspaper business, and I became known for my use of yellow journalism. I then got involved in politics, although I lost my election. All I really wanted was my childhood sled, and so, when I died, I uttered the word "Rosebud," which was the name of my sled. And so, that's my long and illustrious story.

    Of course, I have been known to slightly fabricate the truth, from time to time.


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