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Thursday, December 16, 2010

Star Trek: The Original Series Movies: Reviewgasm!


This is gonna be a full on geek review orgasm, or "reviewgasm" (how fitting), where I'm indulging myself into reviewing every single star trek movie. Yeah I know these movies aren't current, and if you don't like it you can fuck off. Let's begin, shall we?

Star Trek: The Motion Picture

This movie goes either way with fans. Many people are underwhelmed by it, and see it as boring. Me? I consider it the perfect movie adaption of the original series. I'm serious, this is my favorite Star Trek movie. See, the original series and this were very similar in style and tone. The plot of this movie seems like something that would be on the series. Basically, there's a giant cloud of space matter moving towards Earth that's going to assimilate it, and it's picked up the knowledge of so many planets that it's actually gained consciousness. Kirk has been promoted to Admiral, so he steps on the enterprise one last time to take it down. Turns out that the space cloud, called "V'ger," is actually a 20th century spaceship launched into space called Voyager 6. It's a cool concept, I think. You might be bored by it if you're not a fan of the original series, but then you can go fuck yourself.

Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

Okay, so after STTMP failed to captivate audiences, Roddenberry was booted off the franchise, and so, we get the sequel. It's a follow up the episode "Space Seed" where Kirk and the crew find a megalomaniac superhuman called Khan, who tries to take over the enterprise. They dump in this desert planet and call it a day. But guess what? That retard Checkov finds him on his planet and gets his ass mind controlled, then Khan takes over his ship. Him and Kirk do this kind of stand/off thing where they fight on their two ships but they use, like, strategy, i guess. Overall, this is widely considered the best in the series, and while it is very good, I don't think it's quite as STTMP. But, definitely check it out. It's a lot less boring.

Star Trek III: The Search for Spock

This movie is weird as fuck. Basically, Spock's soul is transported into McCoy after he dies at the end of Wrath of Khan, and it has to be reunited with his body that they shot out of the ship. To make matters worse, there's this dickface Klingon played by Christopher Lloyd who just wants to complicate their plans. He's such an asshole, you'll never look at Doc Brown the same way again. Anyway, this is an okay one, but its sandwiched between the far superior II and IV.

Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home

This is one of the best of the series. The enterprise picks up a transmission from some sort of space entity that's trying to contact the now extinct humpback whales. If it doesn't reach them, it's gonna detonate. So, the enterprise has to go back in time to abduct two humpback whales and let them have their little conversation. There's some great comedic moments in this one. My favorite is when Spock does the neck pinch on the punk on the bus. Seeing the crew work out of their normal environment is a real treat, and this is one that I definitely would not pass up on. Check it out.

Star Trek V: The Final Frontier

This movie is complete bullshit. Fuck William Shatner for being a retard and directing it. It sucks my balls. Don't see it!

Star Trek IV: The Undiscovered Country

Overall, this one is a nice cap on the movies starring the original cast. And definitely some mouthwash after the horrible taste left by The Final Frontier. I don't have much to say about these 2. Enough has been said already.

So that's it for TOS movies, next time im talking about the TNG movies.

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