Is Eddie Murphy funny?

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Dirty Dan and Pinhead Larry Part IV Screenplay


I wrote this in about 3 weeks. Unless you're Chris Cardoz you won't get it at all, so I'll fill you in. When we were like 6, we made a movie about 2 stupid cops named Pinhead Larry and Dirty Dan. Their partner, Birdbrain Mcdonald, is annoyed by their stupidity. The second movie, which we made when we were about 10, has Dirty Dan and Pinhead Larry getting fired for being retards and becoming criminals. In part 3, they team up with a gangster named Big Poppy. We made that when we were about 11. I plan on rewriting all the original movies but for now, here's this.


DIRTY DAN
       AND
 PINHEAD LARRY
        PART IV

      


  Screenplay by
           Brian Magid





      Drafted 1 November 2010


SCENE 1:

The sound of an old-fashioned film projector begins and a title card in black and white appears on screen: NEWS OF THE WORLD ©1936. A stock sounding narrator reads the title.

                                    Narrator
News of the world: This week, we bring you the news of two outlaws on the run, which call themselves Dirty Dan and Pinhead Larry.

Two mug shots of Dirty Dan and Pinhead Larry appear on screen as the theme from Dragnet begins to play.

                                    Narrator
If you are to see these men, report them to
your local authorities immediately, they are considered armed and dangerous and are responsible for the following felonies, embezzlement, racketeering, larceny, murder in the 3rd degree, theft, prostitution, arms dealership, drugs dealership, smuggling, alcohol dealership under prohibition, extortion, tax evasion, loan-sharking, and one minor parking violation. I repeat, if you see these two men, report them to your local authorities immediately, they are considered armed and dangerous. Thank you, this has been an announcement, from NEWS OF THE WORLD, bringing you the global news, right to the big screen!        

As the narrator speaks, the theatre screen shows images of Dirty Dan and Pinhead Larry torturing a man tied to chair, running out of a bank with bags of money, firing Tommy Guns at the police, and collecting money in an alleyway. As the narrator says “thank you,” the shot cuts back to the title screen. When his monologue finishes the sound of the film projector stops rolling and the sound of film burning up in the projector is heard and seen on screen. Smash cut to black.

SCENE 2:

Fade in on a box for a Nerf Gun standing on a shelf. The shot slowly backs out until Pinhead Larry and a store clerk appear in the frame.



Pinhead Larry
                  Oh man, oh man, holy shit, how much is this?

                                    Store Clerk
                  $15.99.

Larry reaches into his pocket and we hear the sounds of pennies jingling. He throws them all on the counter.

                                    Store Clerk
                  You’re 15 dollars and 39 cents short.

                                    Pinhead Larry
                  Um, um, don’t move!

Larry draws a fake gun from his pocket.

                                    Store Clerk
                  Sir, that’s a fake gun.

                                    Pinhead Larry
I will blow your fucking brains out if you don’t behave!

People in the store all turn and look at Larry. He grabs the box and runs out the automatic door.
                                    Store Clerk
                  That guy needs to get laid.

Pinhead Larry runs outside and grabs his bike, then speeds away as fast as he can. The credits roll over moving shots of him on his bicycle.

SCENE 3:

The shot fades in on an old TV showing the “Blaster Master” title screen. In one take, the camera very slowly backs out of the TV as Larry, whose playing the game, becomes more and more frustrated at the game, then throws his controller on the ground and walks out of the room. When he enters the hallway, an old Jewish woman is standing there waiting for him.

                                    Mom
Lawrence, you better sit down, we have something to talk about.                                   

Pinhead Larry
Mom, they framed me! Fred from CVS is fucking his cousin, mom, are you gonna believe someone whose fucking their own cousin?!

                                    Mom
No, Lawrence, look.  When you were very young your father and I went to a crowded Guatemalan orphanage and picked you up. You’re adopted, Lawrence.

                  Pinhead Larry
You mean I’m gonna stay this color forever?!

                  Mom
I’m afraid so, sweetie.

                  Pinhead Larry
But mom, what should I do?

                  Mom
That’s what I’ve been meaning to talk to you about, you’re 48 years old. I think it’s about time you moved out or got a job.

                  Pinhead Larry
But Mom, I have nowhere to go!

                  Mom
Get a job, then. What happened to that nice Daniel fellow you used to work with?

                  Pinhead Larry
Dirty Dan is a whore, mom! A goddamn whore!

                  Mom
Too fucking bad, get out of my house, you Brown piece of shit!

Larry’s mom kicks him repeatedly until he flies out the front door and down the stairs. He gets up and dusts himself off.

                                    Pinhead Larry
I don’t need you! I can even tie my shoes! Fuck you!

He starts crying, and turns around and walks away. Fade to black.

SCENE 4:

Fade in on Dirty Dan lying in bed. Suddenly, 3 men bust into his room and wake him up in the middle of the night.

                                    Dirty Dan
                  Dude, what fucking time is it?

                                    Carlos
                  It’s 3:30 already. C’mon get out of bed. We’re                            gonna be late.

                                    Dirty Dan
                  Who’s waiting at the rendezvous point?

                                    Joe
                  Jose’ and Bill.

                                    Dirty Dan
                  All right, come on.

He hops out of bed and gets dressed, then joins the other 3 in their car outside. Carlos is driving; Joe is in the passenger seat, and Dave (the third one) is in the back. Dirty Dan gets in the back next to Dave.

                                    Dave
                  So how fucking crazy is this loot, yo?

                                    Carlos
Man, you would not believe it, man. This may be our best loot since that Best Buy a few years back.

                  Dirty Dan
What brands?

                  Joe
They got it all. Magnavox, Mitsubishi, its gonna be crazy bro.

                  Dirty Dan
Why do VCR brand names always begin with M?

                  Dave
I don’t know, who gives a shit.

                  Carlos
Is this it, right here?

                  Joe
Yeah, just pull in around the back, though.

The van pulls into a parking lot as the shot pans up to a sign on the building that says “Sunshine Pre-School, a place to learn and grow.” Two men, who we identify as Jose’ and Bill, approach the van.

                                    Dave
                  Did you cut through the lock?



Bill
Yeah, we did. Next Jose’ has to go in and disable the cameras.

                  Dirty Dan
Why does a pre-school have cameras?

                  Jose’
The modern age, my friend.

Jose’ enters the building as the rest of them wait outside. Cross dissolve to them by the car.

                                    Bill
Her pussy was so tight; you would’ve thought she had never even stuck a vibrator in it! It was crazy man!

                  Carlos
Ok, my turn. I was fucking this crazy whore on Wednesday, this Mexican slut, you know? And this girl was too damn rough, man! It fucking wore me out, you know?

Everyone bursts into laughter. Everyone turns to Dirty Dan and waits for him to tell his sex story.

                                    Dirty Dan
Oh right, um, so, last night, I was, like, going                  at, um, some like, um, whore, and she was just                   like, she felt like, very weak, like, she just          wasn’t good, you know?

                  Dave
No, not really.

Dirty Dan looks embarrassed. Jose’ emerges from the building.

                                    Jose’
                  Yo, we’re good to go!

Dan draws a pistol and the rest of them go in front of him as they enter the school. They slowly navigate the halls of the school. Joe is carrying a flashlight, and he shines it on a sigh on the door: Storage Room. Bill pries open the lock with a pick, and they enter the room, filled with discarded VCR’s and other video equipment.

                                    Bill
Oh man, this is great! How did you find out about this?!

                  Joe
My ex-girlfriend’s kids go here. They just got a bunch of DVD players, so this shit is all ours.

                  Dirty Dan
Oh, nice man! Nice!

He reaches for a high five from Joe, who gives him a nasty look, then leaves the room. They all grab the discarded video equipment and haul it into their van.

SCENE 5:

All of the gang members are sitting around a TV holding beers and popcorn, except Jose’ who is behind the TV, setting up the equipment. He emerges.


Jose’
                  It’s ready guys!

Everyone gets excited. Jose’ puts a tape in the VCR and the picture rolls. It’s a recording of Cat flushing toilet. The video ends.

                                    Dave
                  Wow, did you see the quality on that?

                                    Carlos
                  That was crazy!

                                    Joe
                  Best one, hands down!

                                    Jose’
                  Let’s watch it again!

As the rest of the gang members all rave over the video, Dirty Dan turns to them and begins to yell.

                                    Dirty Dan
                  No! No! Look at yourselves! You’re fucking                            losers! You steal VCR’s from Nursery Schools                            then watch bad YouTube videos on them! How                            do you fucking live with yourself, you                                     demented assholes! God!

Dirty Dan gets up and storms out of the house. The whole group looks disheartened. Suddenly, Jose’ breaks the silence.


Jose’
                  Who wants to watch Chimpanzee riding on a                            segway?!

SCENE 6:

An open sandy wind plane. Through the dust emerges the figure of a beat up and over-tired Pinhead Larry. He is carrying a knapsack on a radio flyer red wagon, which he is dragging behind him. The camera cuts to a shot of the wheel as it runs over a nail and falls out. The tire rolls off and the hubcap falls off as well. That side of the wagon collapses.

                                    Pinhead Larry
                  Shit! Fucking wagon!

He bends down to look at the damage and as he does he looks up at something clearing from the dust in the distance. The camera shifts focus as we look upon a repair shop with a convenience store. Pinhead Larry gets up and drags his damaged wagon to the repair shop. He sees a man with a beard, bandana, disfigured teeth, and sand covered denim clothes working on a car with a wrench.

                                    Pinhead Larry
                  Hello?

                                    Man
                  Yeah, whadda you want?

                                    Pinhead Larry
I was wondering if I could get a repair done on this wagon.

Man        
Yeah, sure I can. It’ll take ‘bout an hour, that be all right?

                  Pinhead Larry
Yeah, does that convenience store have a bathroom?

                  Man
Yeah, it does.

                  Pinhead Larry
Thanks.

He turns around and begins to walk toward the convenience store.

                                    Man
                  It’s an employee’s only bathroom.

                                    Pinhead Larry
                  Why didn’t you say that?

                                    Man
                  You didn’t ask.

                                    Pinhead Larry
                  Yes I did.

                                    Man
You asked if there was a bathroom. Not if you could use it.

                  Pinhead Larry
Well I thought you’d understand.

Man
Well you thought wrong, buttfuck.

                  Pinhead Larry
You know, you don’t have to be such a douche about it.

                  Man
At least I’m not the one wondering why I can’t use an employee bathroom.

                  Pinhead Larry
Well is there another bathroom nearby?

                  Man
Now, let me see here…oh, yeah. There’s a bar up the dirt path called “The Tumbleweed.” You can’t miss it. It’s the only building for 20 miles.

                  Pinhead Larry
Thanks. (Mutters to himself as he walks away) Fuckin’ nutcase.

SCENE 7:

A dingy, poorly lit bar filled with cigarette smoke. Dirty Dan is sitting at the bar having a cocktail with a baseball cap on. He is talking to the bartender.

                                    Dirty Dan
I just don’t get it Lou. The business I love is dead. It’s saturated with fucking Mexicans.
When did the times change so much? Why has my way of life just gotten flushed down a toilet?

                  Lou
Yeah, sure thing Mr. D.

Just as Lou finishes his sentence the bar door swings open. Pinhead Larry.

                                    Pinhead Larry
                  Hey, where’s your bathroom?

                                    Lou
                  In the back.

                                    Pinhead Larry
                  Thanks.

The camera follows Pinhead Larry into the bathroom. He exits and then sits down to Dirty Dan at the bar.

                                    Pinhead Larry
I guess while I’m here I’ll have a White Russian.

                  Lou
Yeah, sure thing.

Larry turns to Dan and cannot see his face because of the cap.

                                    Pinhead Larry
                  Rough day, huh?

                                    Dirty Dan
                  You said it.

Throughout the following dialogue they do not look at each other.

                                    Pinhead Larry
                  I’m Larry, by the way.

                                    Dirty Dan
                  I’m Dan.

                                    Pinhead Larry
                  Funny, I used to work with a guy named Dan.

                                    Dirty Dan
                  I used to work with a guy named Larry.

They both say at the same time:

                                    Dirty Dan and Pinhead Larry
We were the greatest criminals of the depression era. Screw Bonnie and Clyde, we were the best of the best. The criminal underworld kneeled before us, we were incredible, we were, Dirty Dan and Pinhead Larry!

They turn and stare at each other in mesmerizing
shock. They murmur the first few syllables of each other’s names again and again until finally Larry breaks the silence.

                                    Pinhead Larry
                  D-d-dirty Dan?

                                    Dirty Dan
                  P-p-pinhead Larry?

                                    Pinhead Larry
                  You dirty son of a bitch!

                                    Dirty Dan
                  Fuck you, you fart knocking anus brain!

                                    Pinhead Larry
                  Penis breath!

                                    Dirty Dan
                  Doody head!

                                    Pinhead Larry
                  Ass burger!

                                    Dirty Dan
                  Fuck nugget!

                                    Pinhead Larry
                  Monkey shit!

                                    Dirty Dan
                  Let’s settle this! Let’s settle this right now!

They both draw their pistols and run outside to have a draw as a crowd of the bar patrons run outside to watch.

                                    Pinhead Larry
                  I always was the better shot…

                                    Dirty Dan
                  Yeah, well we’ll see about that.

Ecstasy of Gold plays as the scene begins to mimic the final showdown of “The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.” The camera cuts between close ups of shifting eyes and fingers twitching by gun holsters. Finally the music stops. They both look up at each other, remorseful.

                                    Pinhead Larry
                  What were we fighting about again?

                                    Dirty Dan
                  I don’t know.

                                    Pinhead Larry
                  Oh, I can’t stay mad at you…

“Reunited” begins to play as Dirty Dan and Pinhead Larry run at each other and embrace. Cut to a montage all shown in slow motion. Dirty Dan is pushed on the swing by Larry, and vice versa. The two go bike riding together, have a picnic, and watch TV. The song fades and we cut to the two of them in a small restaurant talking.

SCENE 8:

A small diner. The shot starts over the shoulder of Pinhead Larry. They are at a booth by the window.

                                    Dirty Dan
So, what have you been up to these past couple of years?

                  Pinhead Larry
Well, I moved in with my mom after we left the business, and I’ve basically spent the last 27 years masturbating and playing with Nerf Guns.

                  Dirty Dan
That sounds awesome!

                  Pinhead Larry
It was. Until my Jew Mom kicked me out! You?

                  Dirty Dan
I watched Youtube videos with a bunch of stupid brown assholes!

Pinhead Larry looks up angrily.

                                    Dirty Dan
                  No offense.

                                    Pinhead Larry
                  I have a crazy idea.

                                    Dirty Dan
                  That Bono is the second coming of Jesus?

                                    Pinhead Larry
No…my idea is that we pull one last job together.

Dirty Dan
                  How do you figure?

Pinhead Larry
                  Well, we’re getting older an-

In mid-sentence the waiter arrives with their food.

                                    Waiter
                  There you go, two cheeseburgers.

                                    Dirty Dan
                  Mine is a pickle with a toothpick in it.

                                    Pinhead Larry
                  Mine is a shoe.

                                    Waiter
Whoops, little mix up there guys; I’ll have your food for you in one second.

In the next shot, the angle trains on the coffee counter. The whole scene happens in one take. Despite the camera training on the coffee counter, we can hear the waiter’s conversation with a father and his son at another table.

                                    Father
Look, asshole, my son’s steak fajita isn’t cooked! At all!

                  Son
And there’s a rubber band in my soup!

                  Waiter
Whoops, sorry about that little issue, fellas; I’ll attend to that right away.

Cut to a shot of the waiter in the kitchen smoking a joint and throwing the orders in the trash.

Back to Dirty Dan and Pinhead Larry.

                                    Pinhead Larry
Look, we’re getting older, and we may not be able to ever do this again. To relive what was so amazing back when we used to do it. One last job, and then we’re done, for good.

                  Dirty Dan
I don’t know, the world has changed a lot since the 30’s. Not only has a consistent timeline in movies completely been thrown away, but also people don’t take as kindly to bank robberies anymore. Plus, they got all this fancy technological shit that makes our job harder.

                  Pinhead Larry
Yeah, like what?

                  Dirty Dan
Ummmm….

                  Pinhead Larry
See! We’ll be fine!

                  Dirty Dan
Fine. What do we rob?

                  Pinhead Larry
My ex-girlfriend works at a JP-Morgan Chase. I want her to see me riding in a car! Let’s rob that!
                  Dirty Dan
Great. We better start preparing.

Dirty Dan and Pinhead Larry leave the diner and get in Dirty Dan’s rundown Honda.

SCENE 9:

The frame smash cuts to a crowded bank. The shot pans across each teller’s desk as they talk to their clients. Suddenly, Dirty Dan and Pinhead Larry enter wearing obviously fake Rabbi outfits. Everyone turns around and looks at them.

                                    Pinhead Larry
(In Scottish accent) What’s the matter, laddy? Never seen a Jew before?

Everyone returns to his or her normal business. The two of them walk up to the counter.

                                    Dirty Dan
Hello, we would like a tour of your bank vault, please.

                  Bank Teller
I’m sorry, I’m afraid I can’t do that.

                  Pinhead Larry
Well, why the hell not-um, laddy?

                  Bank Teller
How do I know you’re not just gonna steal all the money in the bank vault?

                  Dirty Dan
She’s kind of got us on that one.

                  Pinhead Larry
Oh fuck it, EVERYONE ON THE GROUND!

Pinhead Larry pulls out a pistol and fires it in the air. Everybody screams and lies on the floor. The shot goes behind the counter as the manager crouches down and hits the silent alarm button. He then stands up and takes a small shotgun out from a drawer. He stands up and places his hands in the air.

                                    Manager
Now, I’m the manager here, so I would like to tell you to take whatever you want. But please don’t harm any one.

                  Dirty Dan
Take us back to the vault and give us everything in there.

                  Manager
Yes, just step inside here please…

As they step inside he reaches down and grabs the shotgun, then blasts Dirty Dan in the shoulder. Pinhead Larry shoots him in the chest and he falls dead. All the people run and scream out the doors as cop cars surround the building.

                                    Dirty Dan
                  Oh, he fucking shot me, man…

                                    Pinhead Larry
                  We got a bigger problem on our hands…

                                    Dirty Dan
                  He must’ve tripped the silent alarm.

                                    Pinhead Larry
                  What the fuck is a silent alarm?!

                                    Dirty Dan
Well, you haven’t pulled a robbery since fucking 1939!

Pinhead Larry props up Dirty Dan on his shoulder and they run out the back entrance.

                                    Pinhead Larry
                  Oh yeah, well, nice job getting shot, idiot!

                                    Dirty Dan
At least I don’t do a fucking Scottish accent when I’m trying to do a Jewish one, retard!

3 Police cars pull up at the back alley parking lot.

                                    Officer
                  Freeze!

Pinhead Larry fires his pistol at the cars and runs the other way, but the car pulls up and rams them both. They black out.

SCENE 10:

The shot goes to Pinhead Larry’s perspective as he blinks several times then wakes up to reveal he’s in a jail cell. There is a man in a suit and tie standing there.

                                    Man
I’m Police Commissioner Reilly. And you’re in deep shit.

                  Pinhead Larry
Whe-Where’s Dirty Dan?

                  Reilly
Your friend is in the infirmary. He should be out by tomorrow. He got hit pretty badly by that shotgun blast.

                  Pinhead Larry
I wanna talk to a lawyer…

                  Reilly
The court is getting you one by Wednesday, but it doesn’t matter much. You’re guilty of attempted murder, murder in the 1st degree, and robbery. You’re going away for a long time, pal.

                  Pinhead Larry
You said that already.

                  Reilly
I was repeating it solidify it in your mind.

SCENE 11:

Fade in on a prison block. Dirty Dan is being walked to his cell by three prison guards. They open it and throw him in with Pinhead Larry.

                                    Dirty Dan
                  Hey.

                                    Pinhead Larry
                  Hey. How’s your arm?

                                    Dirty Dan
                  Fucking kills.

The guard walks up to the door.

                                    Guard
                  You boys got a visitor.

They are thrown in a small interrogation room. There is a table with two chairs on one side. A man, disguised by the shadows, is sitting on the other end.

                                    Man
                  Take a seat, boys.

They sit down.

                                    Man
Now listen here and listen good. You boys have worked yourself so far into a pile of shit, I don’t even know what to say. But I’m here to help you.

                  Pinhead Larry
Oh yeah, why should we trust you?

                  Man
Because…

 The man leans forward to reveal that he is Birdbrain McDonald.

                                    Birdbrain McDonald
                  I have a job for you two.

Dirty Dan and Pinhead Larry look at each other and smile.

                                    Dirty Dan
                  We’re listening.




  Fin.        

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