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Sunday, December 26, 2010

Charlie St. Cloud: Reviewgasm!

We all know that on planes, you just watch whatever stupid movie that they play for you. Considering the fact that my computer battery was dead and my mom left the portable DVD players charging in the den, I found myself scrolling through the crappy new releases section of the plane's movies. I'd seen all of them, except for one movie on there, Charlie St. Cloud.

I looked at the thumbnail and saw Zac Efron, America's favorite example of 5 minutes of fame. I guess his talents didn't excel past having neat hair and having his voice messed with in a studio. Who knew. See, every boy toy actor reaches a point where girls stop caring about them, and their appeal dies off. Thus, they attempt to revitalize their disgraceful excuse for a "career" through legitimate acting jobs. This is Zac Efron saying: "I can do more than prance around and look pretty! I can do that acting thing too!" But of course, he can't. Thus his final lame attempt to "act" is ruined, and then he stays out of fame until the sex tape.

So when I hit the "view now" button on my armrest, I expected a stupid movie I could make fun of on the internet. But what I got, was much much worse...

This movie is bad. Really bad. This isn't Disney Channel Bad, hell this isn't even fucking SyFy channel original movie bad! This is fucking horrible. I'm surprised this crept in and out of theaters with such mediocre reviews. I guess no one paid any attention to it. This movie is worse than a Nightmare on Elm Street the remake! It's that bad.

I guess I'll sum up the "plot" so you know what the fuck I'm talking about.

And I can't put enough quotes around the word "plot" so I won't try.

So Zac Efron plays the titular Charlie St. Cloud, yeah, that's really his name, thought it was some kind of metaphor? No, that's his real name. He's a sailor and he has a boat whose name I don't care enough to remember, and him and his little Sam win a boating contest. So he receives a "sailing scholarship" to Stanford University.

This is the first problem with this movie. "Sailing Scholarship?" What the fuck?! I didn't even know there was such a thing as that.

So, guess what? He has to leave his little brother behind. And he's sad. Wahhhhhh.

Anyway, Charlie wants to go to a graduation party, but his mom makes him babysit Sam. So what Charlie do? He sneaks out to go to the party but is caught by his stupid little brother who makes him drive somewhere. And then they crash. And Sam dies. The End.

No, sadly this movie goes on for another hour and a half, and we get a cliche speech about Charlie "never leaving Sam alone again."

So guess where this movie goes after this. Guess. You think Charlie's gonna be upset then find new romance or something? Well, guess again. Sam comes back to Charlie AS A FUCKING GHOST.

Hold up for a minute.

I mean, what the fuck? When did this become a supernatural thriller? I thought this was like a realistic setting, where you know, THERE AREN'T FUCKING GHOSTS.

So something happens with basketball that I didn't pay attention to because I was trying to wrap my head around this whole ghost thing that the movie just throws at you, and then we just abruptly jump to 5 years later. Charlie still looks 16 and Sam hasn't aged at all. I guess Ghosts don't age.

So Charlie gave up his scholarship for no reason at all and is now a caretaker at a cemetery. So he meets some bitch named Tess or something who wants to be a sailor. They start wanting to fuck each other, and then Charlie feels that his relationship with his ghost brother is dying. So his bitch goes missing and then he finds out that she's a ghost too. I think one ghost should be the limit guys. He finds her but misses a basketball game with Sam and then Sam flies into a shooting star for some reason. Tess is saved in hospital and then they sail away. And then it stops.

The reason I say it just stops is because nothing resolved. The movie doesn't end. It's like the writer just quit or something. His relationship with his ghost brother is still shit and him and his bitch are just gonna sail places? Why? What the fuck?

Honestly, 1 out of 10. That's all I have to say. Peace the fuck out.

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