1: King Kong (1933)
2: Godzilla (1954)
3: Dracula (1931)
4: Frankenstein (1931)
5: The Wolf Man (1941)
6: Gamera: The Giant Monster
7: The Creature from the Black Lagoon
8: The Lost World (1925)
9: Halloween (1978)
10: The Blob (1958)
Sunday, December 26, 2010
We all know that on planes, you just watch whatever stupid movie that they play for you. Considering the fact that my computer battery was dead and my mom left the portable DVD players charging in the den, I found myself scrolling through the crappy new releases section of the plane's movies. I'd seen all of them, except for one movie on there, Charlie St. Cloud.
I looked at the thumbnail and saw Zac Efron, America's favorite example of 5 minutes of fame. I guess his talents didn't excel past having neat hair and having his voice messed with in a studio. Who knew. See, every boy toy actor reaches a point where girls stop caring about them, and their appeal dies off. Thus, they attempt to revitalize their disgraceful excuse for a "career" through legitimate acting jobs. This is Zac Efron saying: "I can do more than prance around and look pretty! I can do that acting thing too!" But of course, he can't. Thus his final lame attempt to "act" is ruined, and then he stays out of fame until the sex tape.
So when I hit the "view now" button on my armrest, I expected a stupid movie I could make fun of on the internet. But what I got, was much much worse...
This movie is bad. Really bad. This isn't Disney Channel Bad, hell this isn't even fucking SyFy channel original movie bad! This is fucking horrible. I'm surprised this crept in and out of theaters with such mediocre reviews. I guess no one paid any attention to it. This movie is worse than a Nightmare on Elm Street the remake! It's that bad.
I guess I'll sum up the "plot" so you know what the fuck I'm talking about.
And I can't put enough quotes around the word "plot" so I won't try.
So Zac Efron plays the titular Charlie St. Cloud, yeah, that's really his name, thought it was some kind of metaphor? No, that's his real name. He's a sailor and he has a boat whose name I don't care enough to remember, and him and his little Sam win a boating contest. So he receives a "sailing scholarship" to Stanford University.
This is the first problem with this movie. "Sailing Scholarship?" What the fuck?! I didn't even know there was such a thing as that.
So, guess what? He has to leave his little brother behind. And he's sad. Wahhhhhh.
Anyway, Charlie wants to go to a graduation party, but his mom makes him babysit Sam. So what Charlie do? He sneaks out to go to the party but is caught by his stupid little brother who makes him drive somewhere. And then they crash. And Sam dies. The End.
No, sadly this movie goes on for another hour and a half, and we get a cliche speech about Charlie "never leaving Sam alone again."
So guess where this movie goes after this. Guess. You think Charlie's gonna be upset then find new romance or something? Well, guess again. Sam comes back to Charlie AS A FUCKING GHOST.
Hold up for a minute.
I mean, what the fuck? When did this become a supernatural thriller? I thought this was like a realistic setting, where you know, THERE AREN'T FUCKING GHOSTS.
So something happens with basketball that I didn't pay attention to because I was trying to wrap my head around this whole ghost thing that the movie just throws at you, and then we just abruptly jump to 5 years later. Charlie still looks 16 and Sam hasn't aged at all. I guess Ghosts don't age.
So Charlie gave up his scholarship for no reason at all and is now a caretaker at a cemetery. So he meets some bitch named Tess or something who wants to be a sailor. They start wanting to fuck each other, and then Charlie feels that his relationship with his ghost brother is dying. So his bitch goes missing and then he finds out that she's a ghost too. I think one ghost should be the limit guys. He finds her but misses a basketball game with Sam and then Sam flies into a shooting star for some reason. Tess is saved in hospital and then they sail away. And then it stops.
The reason I say it just stops is because nothing resolved. The movie doesn't end. It's like the writer just quit or something. His relationship with his ghost brother is still shit and him and his bitch are just gonna sail places? Why? What the fuck?
Honestly, 1 out of 10. That's all I have to say. Peace the fuck out.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
1: Pulp Fiction
2: King Kong (1933)
3: Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back
4: Seven Samurai
6: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
7: Planet of the Apes (1968)
8: The Big Lebowski
9: The Shawshank Redemption
10: Mystic River
2: King Kong (1933)
3: Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back
4: Seven Samurai
6: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
7: Planet of the Apes (1968)
8: The Big Lebowski
9: The Shawshank Redemption
10: Mystic River
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
I guess I'll start at the beginning.
I was born a poor black child in New Orleans. My father was a mobster named Big Daddy who was actually a Caribbean dictator named Kananga who was fighting James Bond. I learned to play the saxophone at a very young age, but despite my incredible skill, I could not find work.
As a young man, the age of 10 actually, my parents were shot down in front of my eyes by a petty criminal. As I sat between their bloody corpses, a solemnly swore to destroy all crime. My disguise would be that of a bat, although I quickly abandoned this silly childhood ambition.
As a teenager I was very popular in school. I do recall one day where me, my best friend Cameron, and my girlfriend who oddly looked a lot like Mia Sara, skipped out on class to tour Chicago. My principal, Mr. Rooney, was so mad he tried to break into my house to find me. Luckily I made it back just in time to find my sister fucking Charlie Sheen and my principal covered in shit. Good times.
Due to my fun loving and inconsequential high school days, no College would accept me, so I got a job working as a janitor at a college. I was smarter than most of the kids there, so sometimes I would just go up to the board when I was done hanging out with Ben Affleck and solve a problem on the board. I was fired, and Ben Affleck was shot up during a criminal syndicate near Christmas.
Unable to find work, I got a small gang together and we would dress up in the masks of ex-presidents and perform robberies. This was very successful, so I was promoted to Don of the criminal syndicate. I had three children, and adopted a young man who we called Sonny, sadly, he was brutally shot to death at Tobay beach. My son Michael fled to Italy, but returned and took over my crime syndicate. I left the cime business after that.
Always fascinated by movies, a joined an expedition by one Mr. Carl Denham to go to a mysterious uncharted Island to shoot his picture a modern beauty and the beast story. Sadly, his film was destroyed was the harshness of the jungle, but we found something better, a giant ape called Kong who had an uncanny fascination with our leading actress Ms. Ann Darrow. We were able to capture Kong and bring him back to New York, where he broke loose and went on a rampage through Downtown Manhattan, and climbed up the Empire State Building where he was shot down by machine gun bullets from airplanes.
I volunteered to a scientist to have him test out his new shrinking ray on me, which reduced me to half my height. I changed my name to Frodo Baggins and moved to New Zealand. A wizard named Gandalf came to me and asked to throw a magic ring into lava, and it took me a long, long, long, long, time, but I did it eventually. I was returned to my normal height and came back to the United States.
There, I set up a newspaper business, and I became known for my use of yellow journalism. I then got involved in politics, although I lost my election. All I really wanted was my childhood sled, and so, when I died, I uttered the word "Rosebud," which was the name of my sled. And so, that's my long and illustrious story.
Of course, I have been known to slightly fabricate the truth, from time to time.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
1: King Kong/Godzilla
2: Frankenstein's Monster
3: Count Dracula
4: The Wolf Man
6: The Mummy
7: The Giant Claw
8: Gill-Man (The Creature from the Black Lagoon)
9: The Blob
11: Michael Meyers
13: Freddy Kreuger
15: Jason Vorhees
16: King Ghidorah
17: The Invisible Man
18: Count Orlok
20: The Cracken
1: The Empire Strikes Back
4: The Wrath of Khan
5: The Blob
6: John Carpenter's The Thing
7: The Day the Earth Stood Still
8: The War of the Worlds
9: Ghidrah, The Three Headed Monster
10: Space Ameoba
With all of these movies I'm talking about the originals, except of course The Thing.
This is gonna be a full on geek review orgasm, or "reviewgasm" (how fitting), where I'm indulging myself into reviewing every single star trek movie. Yeah I know these movies aren't current, and if you don't like it you can fuck off. Let's begin, shall we?
Star Trek: The Motion Picture
This movie goes either way with fans. Many people are underwhelmed by it, and see it as boring. Me? I consider it the perfect movie adaption of the original series. I'm serious, this is my favorite Star Trek movie. See, the original series and this were very similar in style and tone. The plot of this movie seems like something that would be on the series. Basically, there's a giant cloud of space matter moving towards Earth that's going to assimilate it, and it's picked up the knowledge of so many planets that it's actually gained consciousness. Kirk has been promoted to Admiral, so he steps on the enterprise one last time to take it down. Turns out that the space cloud, called "V'ger," is actually a 20th century spaceship launched into space called Voyager 6. It's a cool concept, I think. You might be bored by it if you're not a fan of the original series, but then you can go fuck yourself.
Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan
Okay, so after STTMP failed to captivate audiences, Roddenberry was booted off the franchise, and so, we get the sequel. It's a follow up the episode "Space Seed" where Kirk and the crew find a megalomaniac superhuman called Khan, who tries to take over the enterprise. They dump in this desert planet and call it a day. But guess what? That retard Checkov finds him on his planet and gets his ass mind controlled, then Khan takes over his ship. Him and Kirk do this kind of stand/off thing where they fight on their two ships but they use, like, strategy, i guess. Overall, this is widely considered the best in the series, and while it is very good, I don't think it's quite as STTMP. But, definitely check it out. It's a lot less boring.
Star Trek III: The Search for Spock
This movie is weird as fuck. Basically, Spock's soul is transported into McCoy after he dies at the end of Wrath of Khan, and it has to be reunited with his body that they shot out of the ship. To make matters worse, there's this dickface Klingon played by Christopher Lloyd who just wants to complicate their plans. He's such an asshole, you'll never look at Doc Brown the same way again. Anyway, this is an okay one, but its sandwiched between the far superior II and IV.
Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home
This is one of the best of the series. The enterprise picks up a transmission from some sort of space entity that's trying to contact the now extinct humpback whales. If it doesn't reach them, it's gonna detonate. So, the enterprise has to go back in time to abduct two humpback whales and let them have their little conversation. There's some great comedic moments in this one. My favorite is when Spock does the neck pinch on the punk on the bus. Seeing the crew work out of their normal environment is a real treat, and this is one that I definitely would not pass up on. Check it out.
Star Trek V: The Final Frontier
This movie is complete bullshit. Fuck William Shatner for being a retard and directing it. It sucks my balls. Don't see it!
Star Trek IV: The Undiscovered Country
Overall, this one is a nice cap on the movies starring the original cast. And definitely some mouthwash after the horrible taste left by The Final Frontier. I don't have much to say about these 2. Enough has been said already.
So that's it for TOS movies, next time im talking about the TNG movies.
Yeah, I know the title says Godzilla vs. Gamera, but there's a shit ton of others.
Okay, the movie starts out with a bunch of explorers coming back to tokyo with a haul: a 160 ft tall ape called Kong. They put him in captivity and he becomes a tourist attraction.
Meanwhile, Godzilla's still in hibernation with his son underwater from Final Wars, but then, something wakes him up. It's Gamera. Godzilla and Gamera have a big fight, and basically, it's pretty even, but Gamera grabs Godzilla's son and flies off to monster island.
Cut to Mothra's twin fairies. They're talking about sending Batra in to destroy Osaka because they have a weather plant there that's causing pollution. So Batra goes in and starts fucking shit up in Osaka for a change, but goes too far, so the twin fairies call in Mothra to take his ass out. Mothra is flying there, but then she gets intercepted by Rodan, who emerges from a mountain. They have a fight, and Mothra wins, so she flies to take out Batra.
Meanwhile, we meet these aliens, you know, the guys from Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla the original who turn into apes, and we learn why Gamera is being a bad guy, he's in the aliens control.
So anyway, back on monster island, Gamera lands with Godzilla's son, who tries to escape, but Gamera finds him and blasts him with his fire. Godzilla finds his dead body on monster island and chases Gamera back to Tokyo where their epic brawl begins.
Back to Mothra and Batra. Mothra flies in and her and Batra have a little fight, and Mothra's winning, but then Rodan shows up and fucks everything up. Mothra and Batra team up against Rodan, but then Rodan kills Batra and flies away.
As expected, King Kong escapes and goes on a rampage. I'm thinking of having a scene where he climbs a small building and takes down some army jets, you know, to reference the classics.
The twin fairies contact Mothra and tell her to go to Tokyo to stop all the destruction Godzilla and Gamera are causing. She flies there and tries to get involved, but Godzilla gives her one blast and she's down.
Ok, so the aliens are pissed Gamera's getting his ass handed to him, so they send down Gigan and King Ghidorah to help out. After Gamera retreats, the two of them take on Godzilla, and, Godzilla's getting beat down pretty bad, but then King Kong and Anguirus show up and help out, they kill Gigan, Anguirus dies, and Ghidorah retreats. King Kong remembers Godzilla then they start to fight.
The twin fairies are in despair because Mothra is dead, but then they find an egg of her's on Monster Island that hatches a new Mothra in larva form. The twin fairies decide to send it in to take out Ghidorah.
So Rodan flies into Tokyo and bumps into Ghidorah, where the two have a big fight, but Ghidorah kicks his ass. The larva form of Mothra finds Rodan's dead body, and goes to to fight Ghidorah.
You remember where Godzilla and Gamera had their water battle? Well, Godzilla's cells rubbed off and combined with sea plants to form an new Biollante which attacks Tokyo.
In between all this, Godzilla, Ghidorah and Gamera are destroying shit. King Kong is lost in the daze of the battle so he starts fucking shit up too.
So, this race of underground people is pissed that all this shit is going down on ground level, so they send up their monster, Megalon, to throw a shit fit. He finds Gigan's body and repairs it, with the chainsaws instead of tentacles from Final Wars. The two of them go to defeat Godzilla, but then they run into Jet Jaguar, who gets his ass kicked. So they find Godzilla, who wrecks Megalon, but then he has to fight new Gigan. Godzilla has a big fight with Gigan, and he just barely wins.
So the aliens create a second Mechagodzilla and send him in to defeat Godzilla, but Godzilla and King Kong team up and kick his ass.
Mothra shows up to fight Ghidorah, but she blasted once, and gets the fuck out of there.
Remember those mutant soldiers led by that guy with the mustache and samurai sword from Final Wars? Well they're back. And they make a plan to storm the alien ship and break their control over Gamera and King Ghidorah. Mustache man goes up to his office, but the building gets attacked by Biollante, so he whips and samurai sword and starts cutting off Biollante's tentacles, but then, Gamera and King Ghidorah show up and kick his ass. Mustache man gets out of there and the mutant team heads for the alien spaceship.
Ok, remember the weather experiments in Osaka that are causing pollution? Well that pollution forms a second Hedorah who flies in, but Godzilla finds him and kicks his ass. This is where Godzilla meets up with Mothra, who has grown to full Mothra size, so Godzilla and Mothra go in to fight Ghidorah, but Ghidorah kills Mothra, so Godzilla goes to meet up with King Kong.
The Mutant Soldiers storm the ship and blast away at the aliens, but then the doors slide open and there's like, a million fucking aliens there, so they spread out and have a big laser gun fight.
King Kong and Godzilla show up to fight Gamera and King Ghidorah. King Kong takes on Gamera and Godzilla takes on King Ghidorah. King Kong starts out beating Gamera, but then Gamera uses his fire breath on him, and puts him down for he count. Godzilla and King Ghidorah have a pretty close fight, but Godzilla wins out. So now it's just Godzilla and Gamera, and they have a HUGE FIGHT. Godzilla's doing okay, but then Gamera knocks him down. He's about to take him out, when, with his last ounce of strength, King Kong knocks down Gamera, giving Godzilla time to get up and recuperate. Gamera gets up and hits Kong with the fire breath, and takes him down for good. Godzilla blasts Gamera and the two go at each other like al hell. It's a close battle, but Godzilla beats Gamera just as the mutants break the aliens control and detonate their ship. The movie ends with Godzilla going back to monster island.
You can thank me later.
1: "No, I am your father!"-Darth Vader, The Empire Strikes Back
2: "Royale with cheese, huh?"-Jules Winnifield, Pulp Fiction
3: "My name is Bond, James Bond."-James Bond, Dr. No
4: "I'll be back."-The Terminator, The Terminatior
5: "Roads? Where we're going, we don't need roads!"-Doc Brown, Back to the Future
6: "I never drink, wine."-Count Dracula, Dracula
7: "It's alive!"-Dr. Henry Frankenstein, Frankenstein
8: "You're terminated, fucker!"-Sarah Connor, The Terminator
9: "I love you!" "I know."-Han Solo, The Empire Strikes Back
10: "Gimme some sugar, baby."-Ash, The Evil Dead
11: "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."-Rhett, Gone With the Wind
12: "I'm Batman."-Batman, Batman
13: "Yes, it's true, sir. This man has no dick."-Dr. Peter Venkman, Ghostbusters
14: "Yippy kyay, mother fucker."-John McClane, Die Hard
15: "I got one word for you: Road trip!"-Bluto, Animal House
16: "Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the war room!"-President Merkin Muffley, Dr. Strangelove
17: "May the force be with you, always."-Obi Wan Kenobi, Star Wars
18: "Go ahead kid, make my day."-Dirty Harry, Sudden Impact
19: "Stop! You maniacs! It's made of people!"-Detective Ty Thorn, Soylent Green
20: "I'm not even supposed to be in today!"-Dante, Clerks
21: "Say hello to my my little friend!"-Antonio Montana, Scarface
22: "Make him an offer he can't refuse."-Don Coreleone, The Godfather
23: "Look at those knockers!" "Oh, thank you doctor."-Dr. Frunkenstein, Young Frankenstein
24: "The light was yellow, sir."-Elwood, Blues Brothers
25: "Get to the choppa!"-Major Alan "Dutch" Schafer, Predator
26: "Cops tend to notice when you're driving down Los Angeles at 7:30 in the morning in a car drenched with motherfuckin blood!"-Jules Winnifield, Pulp Fiction
27: "Feeling lucky punk?"-Dirty Harry, Dirty Harry
28: "Are you gonna bark all day, little doggie, or are you gonna bite?"-Mr. Blond, Reservoir Dogs
29: "What the hell is a jigiwatt?"-Marty Mcfly, Back to the Future
30: "A boy's best friend is his mother."-Norman Bates, Psycho
I wrote this in about 3 weeks. Unless you're Chris Cardoz you won't get it at all, so I'll fill you in. When we were like 6, we made a movie about 2 stupid cops named Pinhead Larry and Dirty Dan. Their partner, Birdbrain Mcdonald, is annoyed by their stupidity. The second movie, which we made when we were about 10, has Dirty Dan and Pinhead Larry getting fired for being retards and becoming criminals. In part 3, they team up with a gangster named Big Poppy. We made that when we were about 11. I plan on rewriting all the original movies but for now, here's this.
Drafted 1 November 2010
The sound of an old-fashioned film projector begins and a title card in black and white appears on screen: NEWS OF THE WORLD ©1936. A stock sounding narrator reads the title.
News of the world: This week, we bring you the news of two outlaws on the run, which call themselves Dirty Dan and Pinhead Larry.
Two mug shots of Dirty Dan and Pinhead Larry appear on screen as the theme from Dragnet begins to play.
If you are to see these men, report them to
your local authorities immediately, they are considered armed and dangerous and are responsible for the following felonies, embezzlement, racketeering, larceny, murder in the 3rd degree, theft, prostitution, arms dealership, drugs dealership, smuggling, alcohol dealership under prohibition, extortion, tax evasion, loan-sharking, and one minor parking violation. I repeat, if you see these two men, report them to your local authorities immediately, they are considered armed and dangerous. Thank you, this has been an announcement, from NEWS OF THE WORLD, bringing you the global news, right to the big screen!
As the narrator speaks, the theatre screen shows images of Dirty Dan and Pinhead Larry torturing a man tied to chair, running out of a bank with bags of money, firing Tommy Guns at the police, and collecting money in an alleyway. As the narrator says “thank you,” the shot cuts back to the title screen. When his monologue finishes the sound of the film projector stops rolling and the sound of film burning up in the projector is heard and seen on screen. Smash cut to black.
Fade in on a box for a Nerf Gun standing on a shelf. The shot slowly backs out until Pinhead Larry and a store clerk appear in the frame.
Oh man, oh man, holy shit, how much is this?
Larry reaches into his pocket and we hear the sounds of pennies jingling. He throws them all on the counter.
You’re 15 dollars and 39 cents short.
Um, um, don’t move!
Larry draws a fake gun from his pocket.
Sir, that’s a fake gun.
I will blow your fucking brains out if you don’t behave!
People in the store all turn and look at Larry. He grabs the box and runs out the automatic door.
That guy needs to get laid.
Pinhead Larry runs outside and grabs his bike, then speeds away as fast as he can. The credits roll over moving shots of him on his bicycle.
The shot fades in on an old TV showing the “Blaster Master” title screen. In one take, the camera very slowly backs out of the TV as Larry, whose playing the game, becomes more and more frustrated at the game, then throws his controller on the ground and walks out of the room. When he enters the hallway, an old Jewish woman is standing there waiting for him.
Lawrence, you better sit down, we have something to talk about.
Mom, they framed me! Fred from CVS is fucking his cousin, mom, are you gonna believe someone whose fucking their own cousin?!
No, Lawrence, look. When you were very young your father and I went to a crowded Guatemalan orphanage and picked you up. You’re adopted, Lawrence.
You mean I’m gonna stay this color forever?!
I’m afraid so, sweetie.
But mom, what should I do?
That’s what I’ve been meaning to talk to you about, you’re 48 years old. I think it’s about time you moved out or got a job.
But Mom, I have nowhere to go!
Get a job, then. What happened to that nice Daniel fellow you used to work with?
Dirty Dan is a whore, mom! A goddamn whore!
Too fucking bad, get out of my house, you Brown piece of shit!
Larry’s mom kicks him repeatedly until he flies out the front door and down the stairs. He gets up and dusts himself off.
I don’t need you! I can even tie my shoes! Fuck you!
He starts crying, and turns around and walks away. Fade to black.
Fade in on Dirty Dan lying in bed. Suddenly, 3 men bust into his room and wake him up in the middle of the night.
Dude, what fucking time is it?
It’s 3:30 already. C’mon get out of bed. We’re gonna be late.
Who’s waiting at the rendezvous point?
Jose’ and Bill.
All right, come on.
He hops out of bed and gets dressed, then joins the other 3 in their car outside. Carlos is driving; Joe is in the passenger seat, and Dave (the third one) is in the back. Dirty Dan gets in the back next to Dave.
So how fucking crazy is this loot, yo?
Man, you would not believe it, man. This may be our best loot since that Best Buy a few years back.
They got it all. Magnavox, Mitsubishi, its gonna be crazy bro.
Why do VCR brand names always begin with M?
I don’t know, who gives a shit.
Is this it, right here?
Yeah, just pull in around the back, though.
The van pulls into a parking lot as the shot pans up to a sign on the building that says “Sunshine Pre-School, a place to learn and grow.” Two men, who we identify as Jose’ and Bill, approach the van.
Did you cut through the lock?
Yeah, we did. Next Jose’ has to go in and disable the cameras.
Why does a pre-school have cameras?
The modern age, my friend.
Jose’ enters the building as the rest of them wait outside. Cross dissolve to them by the car.
Her pussy was so tight; you would’ve thought she had never even stuck a vibrator in it! It was crazy man!
Ok, my turn. I was fucking this crazy whore on Wednesday, this Mexican slut, you know? And this girl was too damn rough, man! It fucking wore me out, you know?
Everyone bursts into laughter. Everyone turns to Dirty Dan and waits for him to tell his sex story.
Oh right, um, so, last night, I was, like, going at, um, some like, um, whore, and she was just like, she felt like, very weak, like, she just wasn’t good, you know?
No, not really.
Dirty Dan looks embarrassed. Jose’ emerges from the building.
Yo, we’re good to go!
Dan draws a pistol and the rest of them go in front of him as they enter the school. They slowly navigate the halls of the school. Joe is carrying a flashlight, and he shines it on a sigh on the door: Storage Room. Bill pries open the lock with a pick, and they enter the room, filled with discarded VCR’s and other video equipment.
Oh man, this is great! How did you find out about this?!
My ex-girlfriend’s kids go here. They just got a bunch of DVD players, so this shit is all ours.
Oh, nice man! Nice!
He reaches for a high five from Joe, who gives him a nasty look, then leaves the room. They all grab the discarded video equipment and haul it into their van.
All of the gang members are sitting around a TV holding beers and popcorn, except Jose’ who is behind the TV, setting up the equipment. He emerges.
It’s ready guys!
Everyone gets excited. Jose’ puts a tape in the VCR and the picture rolls. It’s a recording of Cat flushing toilet. The video ends.
Wow, did you see the quality on that?
That was crazy!
Best one, hands down!
Let’s watch it again!
As the rest of the gang members all rave over the video, Dirty Dan turns to them and begins to yell.
No! No! Look at yourselves! You’re fucking losers! You steal VCR’s from Nursery Schools then watch bad YouTube videos on them! How do you fucking live with yourself, you demented assholes! God!
Dirty Dan gets up and storms out of the house. The whole group looks disheartened. Suddenly, Jose’ breaks the silence.
Who wants to watch Chimpanzee riding on a segway?!
An open sandy wind plane. Through the dust emerges the figure of a beat up and over-tired Pinhead Larry. He is carrying a knapsack on a radio flyer red wagon, which he is dragging behind him. The camera cuts to a shot of the wheel as it runs over a nail and falls out. The tire rolls off and the hubcap falls off as well. That side of the wagon collapses.
Shit! Fucking wagon!
He bends down to look at the damage and as he does he looks up at something clearing from the dust in the distance. The camera shifts focus as we look upon a repair shop with a convenience store. Pinhead Larry gets up and drags his damaged wagon to the repair shop. He sees a man with a beard, bandana, disfigured teeth, and sand covered denim clothes working on a car with a wrench.
Yeah, whadda you want?
I was wondering if I could get a repair done on this wagon.
Yeah, sure I can. It’ll take ‘bout an hour, that be all right?
Yeah, does that convenience store have a bathroom?
Yeah, it does.
He turns around and begins to walk toward the convenience store.
It’s an employee’s only bathroom.
Why didn’t you say that?
You didn’t ask.
Yes I did.
You asked if there was a bathroom. Not if you could use it.
Well I thought you’d understand.
Well you thought wrong, buttfuck.
You know, you don’t have to be such a douche about it.
At least I’m not the one wondering why I can’t use an employee bathroom.
Well is there another bathroom nearby?
Now, let me see here…oh, yeah. There’s a bar up the dirt path called “The Tumbleweed.” You can’t miss it. It’s the only building for 20 miles.
Thanks. (Mutters to himself as he walks away) Fuckin’ nutcase.
A dingy, poorly lit bar filled with cigarette smoke. Dirty Dan is sitting at the bar having a cocktail with a baseball cap on. He is talking to the bartender.
I just don’t get it Lou. The business I love is dead. It’s saturated with fucking Mexicans.
When did the times change so much? Why has my way of life just gotten flushed down a toilet?
Yeah, sure thing Mr. D.
Just as Lou finishes his sentence the bar door swings open. Pinhead Larry.
Hey, where’s your bathroom?
In the back.
The camera follows Pinhead Larry into the bathroom. He exits and then sits down to Dirty Dan at the bar.
I guess while I’m here I’ll have a White Russian.
Yeah, sure thing.
Larry turns to Dan and cannot see his face because of the cap.
Rough day, huh?
You said it.
Throughout the following dialogue they do not look at each other.
I’m Larry, by the way.
Funny, I used to work with a guy named Dan.
I used to work with a guy named Larry.
They both say at the same time:
Dirty Dan and Pinhead Larry
We were the greatest criminals of the depression era. Screw Bonnie and Clyde, we were the best of the best. The criminal underworld kneeled before us, we were incredible, we were, Dirty Dan and Pinhead Larry!
They turn and stare at each other in mesmerizing
shock. They murmur the first few syllables of each other’s names again and again until finally Larry breaks the silence.
You dirty son of a bitch!
Fuck you, you fart knocking anus brain!
Let’s settle this! Let’s settle this right now!
They both draw their pistols and run outside to have a draw as a crowd of the bar patrons run outside to watch.
I always was the better shot…
Yeah, well we’ll see about that.
Ecstasy of Gold plays as the scene begins to mimic the final showdown of “The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.” The camera cuts between close ups of shifting eyes and fingers twitching by gun holsters. Finally the music stops. They both look up at each other, remorseful.
What were we fighting about again?
I don’t know.
Oh, I can’t stay mad at you…
“Reunited” begins to play as Dirty Dan and Pinhead Larry run at each other and embrace. Cut to a montage all shown in slow motion. Dirty Dan is pushed on the swing by Larry, and vice versa. The two go bike riding together, have a picnic, and watch TV. The song fades and we cut to the two of them in a small restaurant talking.
A small diner. The shot starts over the shoulder of Pinhead Larry. They are at a booth by the window.
So, what have you been up to these past couple of years?
Well, I moved in with my mom after we left the business, and I’ve basically spent the last 27 years masturbating and playing with Nerf Guns.
That sounds awesome!
It was. Until my Jew Mom kicked me out! You?
I watched Youtube videos with a bunch of stupid brown assholes!
Pinhead Larry looks up angrily.
I have a crazy idea.
That Bono is the second coming of Jesus?
No…my idea is that we pull one last job together.
How do you figure?
Well, we’re getting older an-
In mid-sentence the waiter arrives with their food.
There you go, two cheeseburgers.
Mine is a pickle with a toothpick in it.
Mine is a shoe.
Whoops, little mix up there guys; I’ll have your food for you in one second.
In the next shot, the angle trains on the coffee counter. The whole scene happens in one take. Despite the camera training on the coffee counter, we can hear the waiter’s conversation with a father and his son at another table.
Look, asshole, my son’s steak fajita isn’t cooked! At all!
And there’s a rubber band in my soup!
Whoops, sorry about that little issue, fellas; I’ll attend to that right away.
Cut to a shot of the waiter in the kitchen smoking a joint and throwing the orders in the trash.
Back to Dirty Dan and Pinhead Larry.
Look, we’re getting older, and we may not be able to ever do this again. To relive what was so amazing back when we used to do it. One last job, and then we’re done, for good.
I don’t know, the world has changed a lot since the 30’s. Not only has a consistent timeline in movies completely been thrown away, but also people don’t take as kindly to bank robberies anymore. Plus, they got all this fancy technological shit that makes our job harder.
Yeah, like what?
See! We’ll be fine!
Fine. What do we rob?
My ex-girlfriend works at a JP-Morgan Chase. I want her to see me riding in a car! Let’s rob that!
Great. We better start preparing.
Dirty Dan and Pinhead Larry leave the diner and get in Dirty Dan’s rundown Honda.
The frame smash cuts to a crowded bank. The shot pans across each teller’s desk as they talk to their clients. Suddenly, Dirty Dan and Pinhead Larry enter wearing obviously fake Rabbi outfits. Everyone turns around and looks at them.
(In Scottish accent) What’s the matter, laddy? Never seen a Jew before?
Everyone returns to his or her normal business. The two of them walk up to the counter.
Hello, we would like a tour of your bank vault, please.
I’m sorry, I’m afraid I can’t do that.
Well, why the hell not-um, laddy?
How do I know you’re not just gonna steal all the money in the bank vault?
She’s kind of got us on that one.
Oh fuck it, EVERYONE ON THE GROUND!
Pinhead Larry pulls out a pistol and fires it in the air. Everybody screams and lies on the floor. The shot goes behind the counter as the manager crouches down and hits the silent alarm button. He then stands up and takes a small shotgun out from a drawer. He stands up and places his hands in the air.
Now, I’m the manager here, so I would like to tell you to take whatever you want. But please don’t harm any one.
Take us back to the vault and give us everything in there.
Yes, just step inside here please…
As they step inside he reaches down and grabs the shotgun, then blasts Dirty Dan in the shoulder. Pinhead Larry shoots him in the chest and he falls dead. All the people run and scream out the doors as cop cars surround the building.
Oh, he fucking shot me, man…
We got a bigger problem on our hands…
He must’ve tripped the silent alarm.
What the fuck is a silent alarm?!
Well, you haven’t pulled a robbery since fucking 1939!
Pinhead Larry props up Dirty Dan on his shoulder and they run out the back entrance.
Oh yeah, well, nice job getting shot, idiot!
At least I don’t do a fucking Scottish accent when I’m trying to do a Jewish one, retard!
3 Police cars pull up at the back alley parking lot.
Pinhead Larry fires his pistol at the cars and runs the other way, but the car pulls up and rams them both. They black out.
The shot goes to Pinhead Larry’s perspective as he blinks several times then wakes up to reveal he’s in a jail cell. There is a man in a suit and tie standing there.
I’m Police Commissioner Reilly. And you’re in deep shit.
Whe-Where’s Dirty Dan?
Your friend is in the infirmary. He should be out by tomorrow. He got hit pretty badly by that shotgun blast.
I wanna talk to a lawyer…
The court is getting you one by Wednesday, but it doesn’t matter much. You’re guilty of attempted murder, murder in the 1st degree, and robbery. You’re going away for a long time, pal.
You said that already.
I was repeating it solidify it in your mind.
Fade in on a prison block. Dirty Dan is being walked to his cell by three prison guards. They open it and throw him in with Pinhead Larry.
Hey. How’s your arm?
The guard walks up to the door.
You boys got a visitor.
They are thrown in a small interrogation room. There is a table with two chairs on one side. A man, disguised by the shadows, is sitting on the other end.
Take a seat, boys.
They sit down.
Now listen here and listen good. You boys have worked yourself so far into a pile of shit, I don’t even know what to say. But I’m here to help you.
Oh yeah, why should we trust you?
The man leans forward to reveal that he is Birdbrain McDonald.
I have a job for you two.
Dirty Dan and Pinhead Larry look at each other and smile.