Is Eddie Murphy funny?

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Nosferatu (1922): Reviewgasm!

If you love Halloween as much as I do, then you most likely love one of the most intergral parts of the Halloween season: Horror films. Halloween is a time when our human desire to be afraid is so perfectly tapped into, constantly crossing the line between mischevious fun and serious horror.

Unfortunately, the last few years have seen a real down-grade in the quality of horror. We've esentially split into two categories: Torture porn, a genre which houses films like Saw and Hostel, and Jump Scare, which consists of movies like The Crazies (the remake) and Friday the 13th (the remake). There's a subdivision now of the jump scare genre which consists of a killer murdering the most dispicable people in the world which we come to hate over the course of the movie, then watch them get brutally masscared one by one. This is not horror. This is comedy. The horror aspect of a horror film comes from taking a small peak into the world that lies beyond, and rooting for our heroes to make it out okay. If we don't like them then there's no horror because we don't care.

As varied in plot as these films are, they all adhere to one fact: they're forgettable as hell. There's a reason icons like Michael Meyers have stuck with us throughout the years. You see, memorable moments come from being emotionally invested in what's going on in a movie. People often get so sewpt up in the pop culture surrounding someone like, say, Michael Meyers, that they rarely take the time time to exlpore why that pop culture exists: because the movie that it stems from is at heart, good.

To genuinely create or evoke the feeling of horror or terror in someone is an amazing skill. I'm not talking about a series of strange whispers followed by a bloody man in a mask made of burlap sacks jumping out in the foreground, I'm talking about a truly scary atmosphere.

I feel bad for our generation that they've been lost on silent films. It's truly an amazing way to view a film. Granted, I don't wish silent films were still being made, but it's a very interesting and important part of film history. And the best silent films of all were the german expressionist films of the 20's, which were truly the first step in making film an art form as opposed to something akin to say, a modern day video game.

Silent films are so interesting because they're the bare bones of film, there's no tricks, it's all the way it is, which a limitiation modern day horror filmmakers sorely need. Which brings me to Nosferatu.

Nosferatu is nowhere near a film that you'll jump and scream at while watching it. It won't shock or disgust or horrify you beyond belief. That's not what it's trying to do. Nosferatu has a certain subtle creepiness to it that's never really been re-captured. Watching the movie feels like you're entering a lucid nightmare. It just looms over you like Dracula's shadow with its eerie and spine tingling ways. No, you won't jump in your seat and scream, but the strength of Nosferatu comes in its lasting impression. It leaves you chilled to the bone thinking about it. However, it's gonna take a little while to explain why this film is so effective in it's storytelling and horror.

The biggest failing of modern day horror is that it shows you everything. Gore is too much a commodity these days and theres no class behind it, its just thrown at you like pounds of blood thrown on an actor. The first horror films to really deal in the supernatural were the german expressionist horror films. American horror of the day often dealt with real human deformities, and if there was any superntural element it was always explained to be a hoax by the end of the movie. Films like Nosferatu are so effective because we're told very little about the inner workings of what happens in the life of Dracula (Orlok in the German prints). You get the sense that you've only been exposed to a tiny sliver of a world beyond our own, a tiny mistake or break in the chain where those two worlds crossed, even if only for a little while. The true horror of Nosferatu doesn't come from what's on camera, it comes from what our mind creates about what's not on camera. The reason modern day horror movies aren't scary if you think about them is because there's no layer to them, as soon as you apply a bit of thought they fall apart. Nosferatu is a film that gets scarier when you think more about it, which proves who truly deeply layered it is. The filmmakers know that the human mind can create things far worse than their special effects team, and so the reason so little is explained in Nosferatu is because our minds can run wild with it and create whatever we want from it, it treats it's audience with respect and intelligence. Perhaps in F.W. Murnau's mind, he knows what the world beyond ours is like or what the answers to the gaps in supernatural to natural logic are, but there's nothing in the film to contradict our thoughts. There's subtle implications, not overt exposition, which emotionally involves its audience and creates true horror. We can really see this in the way this movie portrays Dracula. In the subsequent and much more famous 1931 version (of which I am a huge fan), Dracula is an all-powerful, unstoppable sex god who can have his way whenever he wants. This film's Dracula is very different He's a deformed shut out from society who craves blood like a crack addict. The suave and in control Bela Lugosi portrayl is not prevalent here, Shreck is equivalent to a junkie. This portrayl, in my opinion, is more sympathetic, and even scarier in a way. He has more of a reason to suck blood, not just because he's hungry, but because he seems to despise mankind for throwing him out. This Dracula has real motivation. Now that's scary.

This movie is a 10. If you're not a bitch about silent film then watch it right now. It'll leave you pretty creeped out.

Friday, September 9, 2011

Blu-Ray Blues: A Love/Hate Letter to Star Wars

I was a weird kid.

Well, I am a weird kid, but back then, it was really bad, because I was a weird LITTLE kid. And when you're a weird little kid, you've just got nothing. Those are the years where most people begin to have lives but that never really panned out for me. I didn't genuinely start making friends until later in life. This would've been okay if I had some kind of special talent, if I was some kind of reclusive "Good Will Hunting" esque genius, but, I wasn't. I was plain ol' Brian Magid, just a weirdo.

My childhood was spent daydreaming about things that couldn't happen in my friendless, mundane existence: things like monsters, adventures, lasers, guns, swords, violence, shooting, blood, basic boyhood interests. But while for most kids, these boyish fantasies were something to fall back on if being social wasn't an option at the time, that was all I had. This wasn't a second option, it was my ONLY option.

The lack of people to share this with only made me grow into these fantasies more and live in the real world less. If I was sitting with a friend, talking about this stuff, it'd be fine to everyone, but I wasn't. I was talking to myself about in my bathroom. And I discovered that my generation really didn't have a place where these boyish fantasies were true. People had moved on from that. There was no big sci-fi epic movie anymore, that was reduced to silly low budget turds on the fucking "Sy Fy" channel (pronounced: see-fee). The big thing then was comedy. People only liked comedy movies, which is fine, it's just that no other genre could gain favor with my generation. I felt alone in these fantasies of mine, that no one shared them with me; that there was no place to see them.

And then I did see them. I saw fucking Star Wars.

I don't remember exactly how or when, but I do remember seeing them like most people did: on the now infamous VHS boxset released before the special editions. I also remember being enthralled beyond my wildest imagination. These were the movies of my dreams and I was seeing them play out before me. It was like they were made for me.

Star Wars was the first movie I shared a real connection with. It was the first time I became emotionally invested in a story. It was the first time I had a real experience.

When I was a kid, I knew nothing of how films were made, and I barely understood the concept of people making them. I guess I just sort of assumed they were whisked into existence. But after seeing these movies so many times over the course of a few years, I became more aware of my surroundings and the fact that movies are made by people. So I asked my Dad, "who made Star Wars?" And without even looking up from his morning newspaper, he recited "George Lucas." It was so engrained in his mind that Star Wars and George Lucas were one that he didn't even have to think about it. That's really great.

I knew nothing of special editions or re-releases at this point. If I had seen the special editions originally instead of the theatrical releases it probably wouldn't have mattered much to me. I was a little kid, and these movies were amazing no matter what. Plus, for a long time, I was unaware of the true cultural impact Star Wars had on society because I was born to a generation that had forgotten about it, I just sort of assumed that I was the only one who really liked it. Adding things to a movie didn't make sense to me. I didn't even know what it meant.

Between the ages of 7 and 10 I learned in great length about the Star Wars films. I learned of the true cultural impact they had on society. I learned of how famous and well received they were. I learned how they opened the imagination of an entire generation, and thus, like all great art, reflected that generation. 

It's during this time that I saw the prequels.

I always hated The Phantom Menace. Always. From the first time I saw it onward I despised it. Even as a fucking seven year old I hated this loathsome cunt of a movie.

Attack of the Clones I just didn't understand. All this political mumbo jumbo was confusing and boring to me. I liked the action though. I was a little kid. I mean, I wasn't getting emotionally invested like I was for the originals, but it was Star Wars. What me worry?

By the time Revenge of the Sith rolled around, I had gotten a good group of people into Star Wars along with me. I was so excited for a new Star Wars movie that it blinded me from the truth: that this movie is a gigantic piece of shit. But once again, for the time: it was Star Wars, I didn't care.

I was sitting in my grandparents house watching TV when I saw that Star Wars was on. I watched the whole movie and liked it again obviously, but something about it seemed different to me. I couldn't put my finger on it but this just wasn't the same movie I had originally seen. And then that Jabba the Hutt in Mos Eisley scene rolled around and by this point I was just confused. Why does Jabba look so bad? Why would he leave his palace? He's completely immobile! Plus, why is Jabba saying things like "Han, my boy, you're the best." This makes no sense! Was this a TV edit? Where did this scene come from? What's going on?!

I did my research and found out that in 1996, 1997, and 1998, Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back, and Return of the Jedi had been re-released, respectively. Lucas added more special effects and alterations to make them more applicable to the time they were re-released in.

 I was confused as to why they existed. They were undoubtedly worse than the other movies, and at this point I understood why Star Wars was such a big deal to people, so I couldn't get why they'd be changing movies apparently so near and dear to an entire fucking generation, a generation I wasn't even a part of and felt sorry for.

However, this wasn't that big of a deal to everyone, for a few reasons. First of all, VHS was still a format that was very much the mainstay of home entertainment at the time. LaserDisc had basically died off at this point, and DVD's existed but very few people had them. So, when the special editions were released on VHS, it didn't seem that far off at all from the original VHS trilogy that was released only about 3 years prior. And the special effects at this point were just kind of a fun little add on to these classic movies that we all loved, just a little more incentive to see them again in the theater. No big deal.

That is, until the 2004 DVD release.

This is when everyone started shifting in their seats about Lucas changing these movies. The special editions at the time were fun little extras. Little did we know that the original movies were now becoming the extras. The originals were put on the DVD as a bonus feature and not only that, the quality was jack shit! The aspect ratio was completely off and at times, it seems like Lucas just cropped out the sides of the screen instead of fucking letter-boxing it like any normal DVD release. It looked like a shitty VHS transfer! And not only that, there were more fucking changes to the "main feature"! I mean, Jar Jar Binks was placed in Return of the Jedi! They put Hayden Christensen's emo ass in Return of the Jedi also! Why? It makes no sense. This is something that only Luke could see, and he never saw Anakin in this way, so it makes no fucking sense. I was just fed up at this point. I saw these movies in their altered form at a friend's house and refused to buy them. To this day, the only format I own Star Wars ia VHS, and yes, I do also have the special edition boxset of the VHS tapes, but I didn't buy that. I got that for my birthday one year.

We have a gap now of about 7 years with no home video releases. At this point, most people felt like a battered house wife. It's at this point that I began to separate from Star Wars. Around seventh grade, my hormones dropped, and I dropped Star Wars in favor of chasing after girls that didn't like me. I gave up and by eighth grade I was back into Star Wars full swing, but with a new catch: I had a newfound hatred for all the prequels. I hated one and two for a while now, but this is the point where I denounced 3, finally. I was hardcore original trilogy-er now. And when I returned to the Star Wars world, I discovered that while I was gone, they released A FUCKING CARTOON MOVIE. Why?! Are you fucking kidding me? Did you need a bigger Skywalker ranch, George? Just leave it the fuck alone! Now we're feeding this CGI pig slop to 3 year old babies who are most likely only vaguely aware of the original trilogy and just want seizure inducing stupid death defying action scenes that flash bright lights that make little kids drink too much fucking soda in the theatre and go on a bathroom break every fucking 5 minutes while the fast paced boring action created by thousands of computer animators that just want paychecks rages on unattended or unstopped.

I was done. I was really done. I had a kid come up to me at this camp I work at, and, knowing I'm a Star Wars fan, he walked up to me and said "Who's your favorite Jedi? Mine's Plo Koon, or maybe Kit Fisto." I said "Yoda", resisting the urge to pummel the 9 year old bastard. Then he said, "Yeah! It's so cool when Yoda fights in the clone wars! He doesn't even touch the ground!" I lost it. "No, I like Yoda because he had a character. The entire idea of Yoda is that the force is beyond the physical, because Yoda is a little guy whose decrepit and can't fight. We all thought that Yoda would be a great warrior who was physically strong, but when we found out this little green guy was Yoda, it made us all understand that the force was a mystical entity that was beyond the physical. Having Yoda fight ruins that entirely. Besides, that clone wars movie sucked." He nodded and walked away.

And now, we come to 2011. And the Star Wars Blu-Rays are coming out. With even more changes. Only this time, the original trilogy is nowhere to be found. George Lucas is trying to bury it and get rid of it. As if he has the right to do that.

I'd like to take you back a bit to when I asked my dad who made Star Wars and he responded with George Lucas.

George Lucas didn't do all that much. I'm sorry, he didn't. What George did was get the ball rolling. He gave the initial spark that got the trilogy in motion. It's people like Gary Kurtz, his producer, and others, who really shaped Star Wars into a masterpiece. I've read George Lucas's original Star Wars script, and guess what, the thing sucks. It drags and really lacks an emotional connection with the audience. George went through a lot of shit to get the original Star Wars movie out there and I respect him for that, but after that, if he had taken the complete control he was offered, then The Empire Strikes Back wouldn't be the masterpiece it is today, and Return of the Jedi would've been much worse. We can see this in Gary Kurtz's departure after Empire. Kurtz is responsible for making Star Wars into a poignant epic, as opposed to Lucas, who was out there to make a fun little nod to the old sci fi serials of the 1930's. It Kurtz's pitch that got the studio to spot them the money necessary to make the movie into the epic that it is today. And Lucas's first edit of Star Wars was a disaster. It was re-edited by Richard Chew and Paul Hirsch, who gave the film a kick. Their editing techniques created the pacing that carried the story, and made the film exciting and entertaining. Compare this to the editing of the prequels where Lucas had complete control. Everything is done at a flat, dull angle. Typical shot reverse shot editing. The audience needs a visual uhmf, especially if we're listening to shitty ass love dialogue.

When Star Wars became STAR WARS, one of the greatest films of all time. Lucas must've found himself getting a lot of praise for the movie, and he must've convinced himself over the course of 1983 to 1999 that he was in fact the father of all this. That Star Wars was his creation. And that explains why he thinks he has the right to keep changing these movies. I got a message for ya George: you wanna change something, go back and edit and "Howard the Duck."

The Star Wars trilogy is such a perfect reflection of its time. It's one big story that plays out over the three films and is carefully constructed to work just the way it is. You may not realize it, but Lucas's changes affect major character arcs. Here's an example:

We're at the tail end of The Empire Strikes Back. Vader says to a Luke, stranded on the end of a balcony about to plunge to a bottomless pit, "Join me, or die." Luke looks down, and makes the ultimate self sacrifice: he jumps. He can't see himself become what his father had. He'd rather die than join the dark side.

Cut to the special edition. Same deal, but when Luke jumps, he screams "AHHHHHHHHHHH!" What the fuck Lucas?! Do you understand what's going on in the scene at all? What, did you think he tripped?

This is why I don't think George made Star Wars. And when he gets credit for it he does shit like this. And now he's trying to bury the original trilogy as if its inferior to the new versions.

But as long as I shall live, the original Star Wars films shall be watched and exist, in a box set in my basement. I could never let go of the Star Wars trilogy. Don't you ever tell me it's just a movie, because it's not just a movie. It's the force that binds us.

Long live Star Wars.

    "American works of art belong to the American public; they are part of our cultural history... In the future it will become even easier for old negatives to become lost and be "replaced" by new altered negatives. This would be a great loss to our society. Our cultural history must not be allowed to be rewritten."
    --George Lucas, 1988


Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Top 10 Religious Movies

While I was trashing religious movies while writing my Passion of the Christ Review, I decided to make a list of the religious movies I actually like.

1: The Ten Commandments (1956)
2: The Last Temptation of Christ
3: Ben-Hur
4: Intolerance (1916)
5: Idiocracy (It counts!)
6: Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter (It still counts!)
7: Joan of Arc (1948)
8: The Prince of Egypt
7: The Greatest Story Ever Told
8: Barabbas
9: David and Goliath
10: The Gospel

Yeah, 5 and 6 are kind of cheating, but who gives a fuck?

Thursday, June 9, 2011

The New Muppets Movie

I just found out today that on November 23, 2011, Walt Disney Pictures will release a brand new Muppets movie. When I first heard this, I fucking flipped, I mean, I fucking LOVE the Muppets.

For those of you who have avoided The Muppets thinking that they're silly toddler's fare, then you need to get off your fucking petistool and watch yourself some Muppets. The Muppets were goddamn genius and there's tons of adult humor thrown in the show that little kids would never catch. Jim Henson had a very subtle sense of humor and he jam packed episodes with pop culture references, social satire, and parody. 

But then I began to ask myself, can the Muppets still work in today's modern movie climate? They're so represntative of the late seventies and early 80's, which is emexplified by their very topical humor. I don't know if the modern kids movie-goers can accept the Muppets nowadays in a childrens movie market essentially dominated by CGI animated films.

Also, today's Politically Correct parents might not feel comfortable showimng this to their kids. The adult humor that makes the Muppets so great might be offputting as it goes over any kid's head. But fuck the kids. This movie is being made by Jason Segel and Nicholas Stoller, the guys who made "Forgetting Sarah Marshall", so it appears Disney is going for more of a teenage adult audience, where its appropiate enough for kids to come and watch if they want. I think that's the way to go with this subject matter, so hats off to Disney for not trying to pander, we're getting classic Muppets.

But there's still the issue of The Muppets being a symbol of their time. Well, the movie actually seems to get around that really well, by having all The Muppets gone their seperate ways in the past 20 years and its up to Jason Segel to get them back together. Yes, this is a "getting the old team back together" movie, but thats the only real way to approach this, so I think that's a good move. A Texas Oil Tycoon is tearing down the Muppets theatre to drain, but if Jason Segel, Amy Adams, and their friend Walter, described as "the biggest Muppet fan ever", can get the team back in business and have the greatest Muppets telethon ever to raise ten million and save the Theatre, then the Texas guy is fresh out of fuckin luck.

I like this plot. It sounds very typical, but this sounds like the world the Muppets operated in during the show. If they had put the Muppets in a realistic universe, it would've seemed out of place and out of canon with what came before it.

So, as you can see, I'm fucking pumped. 

Friday, April 29, 2011

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Eragon: Reviewgasm!

Why am I reviewing a 6 year old movie you ask?

Shut up.

                                                                 A Review by Brian Magid

Sunday was my little brother and sister's birthday, and monday was my little cousin's birthday. Thus, we generally celebrate them at the same time.

We went to my grandparent's house to take part in this illustrious event, and when I arrived I found that they had been watching Harry Potter (one of my Grandpa's favorites) on TV. I went into my usual rant, disparaging the movie limb from limb, receiving awkward stares of confusion from adults. But out of the haze of my Pwnage, stepped my 8 year old cousin, who shouted in his high pitched voice: "Harry Potter is great! You just don't like it because you're a big fat meanie!"

This was immediately received with applause and running high fives from the rest of the table. So, attempting to be diplomatic, I asked him what his favorite movie was, and he informed me it was "Eragon." My first thought was, what the fuck is Eragon? And the  I recalled it coming out 6 or 7 years ago. I decided I would disparage it on the internet for fun. But first I actually had to see Eragon, and after I had, I saw why the poor kid liked it so much. I loved Star Wars when I was his age, too. (I still love it in fact.) And man, does someone need to show that little guy the holy trilogy, stat, because few movies have enraged me as much as Eragon has. In my career as an internet blogger, I've mostly just either review a current movie or tear down some fantasy film. It may not seem like I hold much sacred, but deep down in my black heart there are still some sacrosanct movies. There are still some things I will not allow, and Eragon does just about all of them. Why?

Because Eragon is, bar none, the most complete and shameless rip-off of Star Wars ever xeroxed. Not even Turkish Star Wars stole as brazenly from the dang series. I mean, sure, they stole X-Wing battle footage, but at least they still managed to come up with somewhat original characters. You read that correctly: Eragon is a worse movie than Turkish Star Wars, a film that features a guy wearing golden gloves machine-gun punching Robbie the Robot to the heroic strains of the Indiana Jones theme, then feeds a man in a bright red gorilla suit his own leg.
See if this sounds familiar: a humble farm boy discovers that he possesses a hidden power and finds himself hunted by an evil overlord who once betrayed a noble order of knights charged with the protection of freedom and justice. Along the way he meets a wise old mentor who gives him a powerful sword, encourages the young man to develop his magical talents, helps him save a princess in the warlord's dark fortress, and sacrifices himself to save the boy. The movie ends with an air battle after the bad guys track down the hidden stronghold of the rebellion.
And that's not even half of it.
Everything in this movie is stolen. Even Eragon (whose name is so blatantly suggestive it makes me want to punch kittens) seems to have stolen Luke Skywalker's haircut. He's even a whiny little brat who lives with his uncle, a shaggy fellow that gets butchered by urgals (read: stormtroopers). He has a brother named Roran who you might suppose has something to do with the movie, but he doesn't.
The movie begins with an elven princess stealing a "stone" (read: the Death Star Plans) from Darth Malkovich, and through sheer chance it ends up in Eragon's back yard. It just so happens that the stone is actually an enchanted dragon egg, and amazingly, Eragon is destined to be the chosen one who will ride this dragon against the empire. Through magic (read: bad writing) the dragon reaches full maturity in about four hours and is born with a better vocabulary than most adults I know. They bond quickly, and Eragon learns to ride the dragon by flying through a ravine ("Just like Beggar's Canyon back home!") and masters magic (read: the Force) through the tutelage of Brom, a former dragon rider and your average mentor character who never survives to the third act of the film.
It's a good thing Brom brought his dragon saddle. Seriously, that's how they explain it. Brom packed his dragon saddle.
Brom (read: Obi-Wan Kenobi) is played by Jeremy Irons, an otherwise excellent actor who seems to be psychically drawn to tremendously bad fantasy movies. At least he manages not to embarrass himself here like he did in Dungeons & Dragons, and in fact is probably the best part of the movie. Anyway, it doesn't seem like there's any real secret to magic; simply knowing the ancient Elvish words for things is enough to evoke their power. It sort of proves what John Constantine said about magic: "Any cunt could do it."

Darth Malkovich is rather upset over the theft of his dragon egg, and tasks his evil shade Durza to bring it back. Durza, a powerful wizard, in turn sends the nefarious Urgal assassins to kill Eragon. Man, there's an awful lot of subcontracting going on with these bad guys, and when the Urgals fail we have to sit through two phases of the defeated minions reporting to their boss about how they failed. I mean, why would the evil warlord even bother keeping the magical dragon egg around if it's the only thing that can destroy him? And why don't either Malkovich or Durza go out themselves to kill Eragon? It's not like either of them have anything better to do than sit on uncomfortable thrones and brood. Why wouldn't he spend an hour to get on his fully-grown black dragon, fly down to Eragon's village and turn the whole thing into a field of scorched glass with his breath weapon?
My favorite part of the movie is where Malkovich explains to Durza why it's important to kill Eragon quickly to prevent the resistance from having any hope because he rules his nation through fear. "Fear will keep the local systems in line! Fear of this battle station!"
The real shame is that Malkovich is the best actor in the movie, and despite being the main villain he's barely in it. His work was likely finished in a day, so most of the heavy villainy is done by Robert Carlyle in a ratty Bozo wig who somehow managed to find a worse role than the Bond villain in The World is Not Enough. His character is a complete idiot, sending riders in black (you might say they're... Black Riders) out to kill Eragon over and over again, and yelling at them when they screw up when he could easily burn his face off any time he wants. In fact, when he successfully manages to lure Eragon into a trap using the elven princess (Leia) as bait, he inexplicably allows the heroes to escape when he has them at his mercy.
Along the way to the rebellion, Eragon enlists the aid of a charming rogue (read: Han Solo) to guide them through the mountains. The resistance is a group of warriors who have made camp in a cave behind a waterfall, led by Faramir of Gondor—I mean, Ajihad, played by Djimon Hounsou in some truly hilarious hair extensions. It looks like the movie is officially out of Star Wars to steal, so now it's running down the checklist of Lord of the Rings plot points and stealing them, too. Wow, they sunk pretty low to steal from fucking Lord of the Rings.
Durza realizes that Eragon has entrenched himself in the stronghold of the resistance and rallies the Urgals with a dramatic speech that's written and filmed almost word for word, shot for shot exactly like Saruman's "You do not know pain, you do not know fear" speech to the Uruks. And that's not the only shot Eragon steals from other movies. I remember one scene when a forlorn Eragon stands outside his uncle's house watching a dramatic sunset, carbon copied from A New Hope. I don't make this accusation lightly. There's coincidence, there's homage, and there's outright theft. Someone should have been sued over this.
I haven't even mentioned how poor this movie is in every technical regard. The dialogue is about as subtle as a beer fart, with characters repeating things we already know several times and vocalizing the completely obvious with nobody else around. I can barely pick out the most embarrassing line from this travesty, although the first one stands out in my mind: "I suffer without my stone."
I also haven't mentioned the dragon much, an inexcusably phony-looking animated wyrm named Saphira, voiced by Rachel Weisz. Saphira shares a telepathic link with Eragon, because if there's one thing that I really want to see Ed Speelers do, it's pretend to think really hard for half the movie.
If you're wondering why Eragon doesn't just command his dragon to breathe fire all over his enemies, she can't. Brom explains that she's "not yet old enough to sustain a flame," but considering Saphira grew into a ten ton clawed death machine in a matter of hours, "not yet old enough" translates to "wait until morning" because the next day she's laying waste to an entire army with her napalm breath.
It's also maddening at how quickly the movie progresses, an unusual complaint for me to make, but it's true. It feels like the Cliff's Notes version of an epic movie. There's no character development to speak of. There are simply good guys and bad guys, and if any character is given a backstory, it's usually in the form of awkward dialogue shoehorned inappropriately in between action beats, like "Seize him! He is the son of the traitor!" Ironically, the only characters the movie dwells on. Brom and Eragon's brother depart the narrative completely. Why would they waste time developing the background and motivations of characters who don't show up for the rest of the movie? Maybe they show up again in the sequels, but as a single movie it completely fails to stand on its own.
It's one of the worst movies of all time, not only in terms of its poor quality, but because of its total creative bankruptcy. When I safely say that Dragonheart was a masterpiece in comparison, it should scare you to your marrow. Its only value is in devising a "Spot the Rip-off" drinking game, or maybe if you've got some weird Sienna Guillory fetish. Even then, I'd take Resident Evil: Apocalypse over this cheese, and I would rather wear a sandpaper thong on a treadmill than watch a Resident Evil movie.
Still, something good came out of all this. I spend so much of my time being a big meanie that sometimes I forget how much I really appreciate Star Wars, and yes, even George Lucas for at least being something of a storyteller. The meanie in me says that Lucas could probably be accused of stealing the plot for that from half a dozen samurai movies, but the fan in me still doesn't care if he did. They didn't have hyperdrive in Hidden Fortress!
Besides, I got to totally blast an eight-year-old's favorite movie in a blog post he'll probably never read. Isn't that what it's all about?

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

My Top 15 Comedies

1: Clerks
2: The Big Lebowski
3: Ghostbusters
4: There's Something About Mary
5: Animal House
6: Hot Fuzz
7: Dogma
8: Mallrats
9: Dr. Strangelove, or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb
10: Stripes
11: Napoleon Dynamite
12: Billy Madison
13: Black Dynamite
14: Uncle Buck
15: Young Frankenstein

Thursday, February 17, 2011

The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring: Reviewgasm!

I highly recommend you sit through this movie before reading my review. You're going to have no idea what I'm talking about.

Oh, and it's gonna be really long too, like, REALLY LONG.

Part 1: Introduction

Well folks, I find myself again at odds with my Yellow competitor, Tony Williams, in a reviewgasm battle to the death.

At first I planned to review Ang Lee's reviled "Hulk" for this illustrious occasion, but then I had an epiphany.

See, everybody knows Ang Lee's "Hulk" is awful, I don't need to tell you that. But there are movies that exist that people actually love, that are fucking awful, even worse than Ang Lee's "Hulk." Today I'm reviewing a movie with a 96% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes, which is more than All 3 original Star Wars movies. Today I'm reviewing an overblown, drawn out, boring, stupid, dull, generic piece of awful, awful filmmaking. Today I'm reviewing: Lord of the Rings.

Part 2: So it Begins...

When I was about 5 my Dad told me that if I loved Star Wars so much, which I did, that I should see Lord of the Rings. So he took me to Blockbuster one Saturday night when him and my mom were going out or something to get it on VHS. I watched the first 5 minutes then turned it off. I was confused, bored, and didn't care. I assumed I just wasn't old enough for it yet, and forgot about the Rings movies.

When I was 11 Peter Jackson released the 4 disc special edition DVDs for all 3 movies, so I decided to go out an buy them and watch them from a more mature perspective.

This is when the last remnants of my innocence and naivety were drained away and I became the bitter, annoyed, cynic that I am today. I wasted 9 and a half fucking hours of my life watching those movies, not to mention the other 9 and a half fucking hours I had to sit through for this review. So here you go. Here's my gift to you. I will tear apart the Lord of the Rings Movies infront of your very eyes.

Well let's dive right in, shall we?

Part 3: Everything

I don't even know where to start. I mean, I guess I could describe what's bad, but that literally involves everything in the film.

First I'd like to tell you about a little something in screenwriting called "Tone." This is how a movie feels. Generally, a movie should establish this in the very beginning or early on so the audience isn't thrown off, because then they become apprehensive and dismiss it.

The Lord of the Rings starts off by describing a dark fantasy plot from ages long past. We witness a brutal war, a dark lord, trickery, evil forces, assassinations, strangling, and a horrible and grotesque transformation into a monster, secluded from society left to fend for himself in the mountains.

Then we cut to a nice little vegetable garden where a bunch of midgets are having a birthday party.

This is m first problem with this movie. It doesn't know what it wants to be. It switches off between dark sword and sorcery and light hearted adventure. But this is just the beginning folks, we're going deep into the pits Mordor...

Part 4: The Beginning

Well, I guess the most obvious place to start is the beginning, right? Well basically here's how it goes:

A bunch of people made a bunch of rings. Then this bunch of people gave these rings to various leadership groups in each race: The 3 Elf Kings, the 9 Mortal Kings, and the 7 Dwarf Lords. But then this dark lord made a ring and that flung the kingdom into war.


Okay, this is the first major plot hole. How did this one magic ring somehow fling all of civilization into a massive war? I mean, were they fighting over the ring? How did they know about the ring? Plus, wouldn't the magic of the 19 other magic good rings counteract the evil of this one bad ring? Plus, if Frodo is walking around holding the ring with a bunch of people the entire time, (see later on in the review) how is this tiny group of 9 people suddenly immune to the Ring's charms when it flung AN ENTIRE FUCKING CIVILIZATION INTO WAR.

And if any of you fuckheads tell me it was explained in the book or something, I don't care. I'm reviewing the movies, asshole.

Plus, who is this dark lord, and why is he making a ring? If he has evil powers, wouldn't they transcend on the population regardless of whether or not he makes a ring?

See how as soon as you ask a few questions in the first 30 seconds of the movie it completely falls apart?

Okay, so somehow, this ring flung an entire civilization of people into depression. But a small group of men and elves rose up to fight the dark lord and his armies and restore peace and balance to the kingdom.

Here we go again.

The dark lord has armies now? Where did they come from? Why did they agree to serve him? Is he paying them?

And it's at this point that we learn that the ring was on the dark lord's finger the whole time anyway! So then how were the people fucking fighting over it? How did they even know about it? I mean, like, if he threw the ring out in the open and was like "fight for it assholes!" I'd understand! But here it just makes no fucking sense! Frodo runs into hundreds of people on his journey later on in the movie and not fucking one of them has any idea what the hell any ring is. So if this ring was powerful enough to transcend its evil powers on everybody on the god damn planet Earth then why in the fuck is it not doing that later in the movie?! Furthermore, we also learn that the ring just holds the Dark Lord's soul! So it really doesn't have evil powers that weren't already there when the dark lord existed, right?

Okay, you're probably getting a little lost, so lemme explain this more simply. The Dark Lord existed for about a thousand years before he made the ring. So when he did make the ring, we're told that its evil powers were so large that they flung the entire world into war, despite never leaving his finger. But later, we find out that the ring isn't evil on its own, it just embodies the Dark Lord's soul. So whatever evil that the ring created already existed because the ring is just a ring that has the dark lord's soul in it, and the dark lord was around way before the ring.

Seriously, I just don't get this guy. He's such a vague, convenient villain. I mean, "dark lord?" Could you be any more cliche?

See, it's quite obvious that they want to make this villain mysterious, but they completely threw that away when they had Sauron march out  into the open battle (the next scene) and throw this giant shit fit where he slams people halfway across the battlefield with one hit of his stupid mace. When I think of a dark lord, I think of a schemer, someone who waits in the shadows to strike, not an armor clad retard with explosive diarrhea. This guy is such a macguffin, I have no idea why audiences love him so much.

Wow, that took awhile. Back to the plot.

So the two armies have this big, stupid, CGI battle. This guy named Prince Isildur kills the Dark Lord.

Wait a minute...


Oh no, the ring is the main villain? Are you kidding me? OUR MAIN VILLAIN, IS A FUCKING PIECE OF SILVER!

Ugh, ok, let's get through this people.

So Isildur is happy for about five minutes because he has the ring, but then these two stupid little orcs jump out and stab him. So the ring falls to the bottom of this lake and stays there for 2,000 years.

How the hell did a ring that stayed on a guy's finger fling an entire world into war, but when it's at the bottom of a little pond it can't do SHIT?! WHAT THE FUCK? Plus, I'm sure that in a length OF TWO THOUSAND FUCKING YEARS that some fisherman or something would fing a little ring at the bottom of a ten foot pond. Well, that's exactly what happens, two thousand years later, when the ring is found by a hobbit named Smeagol. The ring transforms him into the hideous creature Gollum.

Wait, how did a ring transform someone into a monster? It didn't have that affect before! Plus, if the Ring is no longer concealed under water, shouldn't the world be flung into misery and darkness? They're really inconsistent with what this ring does. Anyway, 500 years later, Bilbo Baggins, this fat hobbit, steals Gollum's ring for absolutely no reason whatsoever, and he takes it back to his home in this place called "The Shire." Then our actual plot begins 60 years later.

Wow, it took us the length of one of my reviews for a two hour movie to get through the first 3 minutes of this fucker. I'm not kidding, all that shit you just read, was literally in the first 3 minutes of the movie. And this fucker's 3 hours. Holy shit.

Part 5: Midgets and Spells

60 years later...the shire...

So after about 3 minutes of pure shit, we come upon our main character, a mild mannered hobbit (basically a midget with Spock ears) named Frodo Baggins, nephew of Bilbo Baggins, the fat ass who stole the ring from Gollum. Anyway, this wizard named Gandalf whose known the hobbits for a lon time comes to celebrate Bilbo's 111th birthday. After the party, Bilbo plans to ditch out on the shire and go live with a bunch of elves (White People with Spock Ears who live forever.) Strangely enough, Elves are known to be very tall, as oppose to the midget Santa elves, who are more like hobbits. What the fuck?

Gandalf convinces Bilbo to leave the ring for Frodo, because none of them really understand it's power, but Gandalf thinks that it's causing Bilbo's prolonged age.

But my question is, why is he leaving the ring for Frodo? Frodo is basically, like, a little kid. He smiles and plays and is very naive and innocent, he's clearly not responsible enough for this task.

So at the party, Bilbo plays a trick where he puts on the ring and disappears somehow, strange, I didn't know the ring could do that, I guess it's just going to become another convenient ploy that the writer can use to do anything in the story. So Bilbo is off on his journey to live with elves and the Ring is left for Frodo.

Now there aren't many plot problems in this section, but this is only because there is no plot. I mean, the pacing is so off, it feels really lopsided. In the first 3 minutes of the movie they expose so much plot it could have been its own 9 and a half hour trilogy, and then for the next 30 nothing happens. It might be the most perfect example of awful juxtaposition in any movie (except for maybe the end of Return of the King.)

Part 6: What the fuck is a protagonist?

One thing I was originally going to say these movies had going for them was that they actually used a fish-out-of-water protagonist so that expository dialogue could be uttered without being awkward, unlike the Star Wars prequels. But then I realized that they didn't utilize this in the movies at all. To fully understand what I mean, I need to explain the next part of the plot to you.

So after Bilbo leaves and Frodo inherits the Ring, Gandalf leaves for 17 years. While gone, he does research on what the ring is, where it came from, and who has had it in history, but the whole thing is shown in montage anyway, so they literally could've just cut the scene altogether.

But Gandalf returns to the shire with his new found knowledge on the ring. He finds Frodo and tells him that the ring must be destroyed in the fires of Mount Doom, a volcano where the Ring was created by the Dark Lord.

Seriously, Dark Lord? Mount Doom? These are like the most obvious names for bad things ever! What's next? Captain McBadguy?

But anyway, basically, Gandalf tells Frodo this little poem that he heard about the ring, and that he needs to cast into the fires of mount doom. And that's it.

This is what I was talking about before when I said that they don't utilize this fish-out-of-water concept at all. This would be the logical point for the history of the ring to be explained to the audience, because it's being explained to Frodo as well. They could've started the movie off with Bilbo's party, had the next few scenes, then Gandalf does some research, comes back, and explains what the fuck is going on with this ring business. But for no fucking reason whatsoever they decided to have this, awkward, stupid, boring narration at the beginning where they just outright explain they entire last 2,560 years to you in 3 minutes. Plus, there's no scene where Frodo is actually explained the history of the ring, so we have to assume he doesn't know, so not only does it not make sense from a screenwriting standpoint, but in the context of the plot as well. Plus, the pacing works much better, because it builds up the history of the ring and the cool fantasy elements. What they did was start with the cool stuff, and then force us to endure 40 minutes of nothingness. Those 40 minutes would not have been so bad if we were anticipating
future events and discovering the history of the ring, but no, it's given to us right away, so we're not anticipating anything. It just doesn't work because your audience just gets bored watching nothing after so much plot packed into such a small time slot. This is the set up for the entire movie and it's basically shown so quickly we have little to no time to comprehend it. So, usually I don't like submitting things to make this movie better, because literally everything is done completely wrong, but I think they should've started with the boring stuff, which is okay because we're anticipating the good stuff so it's not boring. Gandalf could provide a basis for the history of the ring when he talks to Frodo about it, and then the details could be revealed gradually throughout the rest of the film.

Part 7: 4 Hobbits and a Plot Hole

So Gandalf tells Frodo that he has to go consult his master, Sauroman, but Frodo needs to start on his journey. He says he'll meet him at an Inn called the "Brandybuck" or something stupid like that. But Frodo isn't going alone, he's taking a fat kid, Charlie from Lost, and some guy you never heard of on his little journey. Does Gandalf honestly think he can breach fucking Mount Doom with himself and 4 little kids?

So Gandalf goes to talk to Sauroman and get his help. There he finds out that his wizard master who looks and sounds like a bad guy is actually a bad guy. Who would've guessed that a guy who talks about joining the forces of evil constantly is actually evil.

The stupid thing about this scene is how surprised Gandalf reacts. It's like really, you couldn't tell? Watch the movie and you'll know what I'm talking about.

So at this point, the movie starts to feel incredibly rushed. And it takes a long time, but there's so much fucking plot they need to get out that they basically glance over some of the really important plot points.

Frodo, Sam, and the other two retards have about 20 minutes where literally all they do is play around and talk about nothing. That is, until these guys in black capes show up to hunt Frodo. This has the potential to be interesting. Who are these people? Where do they come from? I'm interested now.

But no, of course it was revealed 40 minutes earlier in the stupid fucking opening narration, so all the mystery and intrigue of who these guys are is lost. Apparently, they're the 9 mortal kings of men, who were enslaved by the dark lord to find the ring which he lost to Isildur.

Wait a minute, I thought the dark lord was dead? Isildur stabbed him, right? Well, apparently the fuck not! The Dark Lord comes back to life for absolutely no reason with no explanation whatsoever, but not in his original form, in the form of A GIANT FUCKING EYEBALL. WHY IS HE AN EYEBALL?!! OUR FUCKING VILLAINS IN THIS MOVIE ARE A PIECE OF ROUND SILVER AND A GIANT FUCKING EYEBALL. OOOHHHH! I'M REALLY SCARED NOW!!!

Ugh...How much more of this do we have? 2 HOURS?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!

Part 8: Them Crazy Orcs

I really don't get what the fucking deal is with these stupid orcs. They just seem to have fucked up so badly in the villain department in this movie it's not even funny.

Okay, so right off the bat nothing makes sense about these orcs. We see Sauroman instructing orcs to create other orcs in this little underground orc factory. My question is, if orcs are making orcs, who made those orcs? Plus, it's understood that Sauroman only recently became evil, so who was instructing the creation of orcs for the other 2,000 years?! And we know they existed because Aragorn (we'll get to him in a minute) talks about fighting them in the past. So where the fuck did all these orcs come from? Fucking eyeball man couldn't have been instructing them, so who was?! There's so many fucking holes in this goddamn orc plot it makes me sick.

Part 9: More Potential Gone to Waste

So finally Frodo and his company of faggots arrive at the Brandybuck Inn, but Gandalf is nowhere to be found. It is at this point that we discover that Gandalf is the prisoner of Sauroman in Isengard.

So anyway, Merry and Pippin get drunk, then Frodo decides to get up on a table and sing a song for some reason? Um, ok?

Then, the most unlikely possible thing ever happens. Frodo trips on nothing and falls off the table. The ring falls out of his pocket and into the air, completely ignoring the concept of this thing called "gravity", he lands flat on his ass with his index finger stretched out for some reason, and then the ring falls exactly on his finger that's outstretched, causing him to disappear. I mean, wow, that's like a good 8 laws of physics they defy right there. So Frodo enters into this strange evil world when he puts the ring on, and he goes into some strange sort of trance, which basically means the effects guy plays around with the smudge tool on photoshop.

Here's another thing I don't understand about the ring, if it causes so much depression and war, why do people want it so badly? I understand that it has like tempting powers or some other convenient excuse, but it doesn't do anything for the person who has it. All that happens for Frodo is he goes into this weird dream world. So why is he always so tempted to put it on? Plus, doesn't he look stupid fidgeting around in real life? What is everybody doing during that time? Just standing there scratching their heads?

Okay, so Frodo gets the ring off and the 4 homos are thrown in the back, where they find a guy named Strider, who claims he is a friend of Gandalf, and that he asked him to take the boys the Palace of Elrond, the elf king. Strider is a ranger, a man of swordsmanship who knows his way around the forest and hunts black riders. But the interesting thing about Strider is that he is actually Aragorn, the next in the line of kings, starting with Isildur, who killed the dark lord. See, Strider has the potential to be very interesting. He could be torn between being a king and being a ranger, and there could be irony in the fact that he's basically fighting his ancestors when he fights the 9 black riders. But no, he's just a guy who can fight things and walk places. I mean, they mention it a few times, but he never really does anything that makes him seem like a king, besides being the heir to the throne. He's a ranger, that's it. There's so much wasted potential in the character of Aragorn. Just another thing that sucks in this shit-ton of a movie. But don't worry. We still have 2 hours of stupidity left to analyze.

Part 10: Who hired the midget?

Alas, Frodo, the guy from A History of Violence, an annoying fat kid, Charlie, and his dumb twin or something are off, walking to the palace of an elf king who we know nothing about and is played by V from V for Vendetta.

On the way we have some really stupid comedy relief scenes that feel out of place and forced, most of them involving the hobbits being fat asses and wanting a "second breakfast." Ok, sure. Whatever.

They stop for the night in this little tower and the 4 homos sleep together while Aragorn goes on "patrol."

What the fuck? That may be the stupidest thing ever. Why the fuck would he leave Frodo, quite possibly the most important person ever, completely unprotected from an attack by the black riders, who they literally just discussed are in the forest. What the fuck do you hope to accomplish on patrol you fucking retard? Do you want Frodo to get attacked? Why not stay there so if the black riders come you can fight them you fucking moron!

Well, guess what the fat people do? They be fat and make bacon in the middle of the night over an open flame, and then the black riders notice the fire and attack. But the almighty motherfucking King Aragorn is on "patrol" so he can't help.

Well, Frodo pulls out his sword, and then literally just falls on his ass and puts the ring on. Yeah, good fight you gave there, pal. But oh, good old Aragorn shows up to kick some ass, but Frodo gets stabbed. So, guess what? The sword broke off and is working its way to his heart. If it reaches it, he becomes a black rider.

First of all, wouldn't they look really silly if they were trying to ride around acting badass, and they had this little guy tagging along with them? And second, don't you think that in 2000 years someone else would have been stabbed by these guys other than Frodo? Apparently not, because there's still only 9 of them. Seriously, these guys couldn't kill a stormtrooper.

Part 11: Steven Tyler's not Very Hot Daughter is in this Movie

So Aragorn kills off like 5 of the dark riders or something, and tells Frodo that only Elrond can fix his wound, so they must go to his castle. They walk a lot, and then finally Aragorn gets stopped by Arwen, some elf chick who he's nailing on the side. She's Elrond's daughter, and because he's mortal and she's and elf king's daughter, they have this cute little forbidden love complex going on.

This romance is simply awful. The connection goes no further than the fact that their love is forbidden. Not only that, but they share maybe one or two scenes together in the whole trilogy! We're just flat out told we have to care about their relationship because it's "forbidden." What the fuck is that? This is quite possibly the worst romance since Anakin and Padme. Yeah, it's that bad.

So Frodo gets chased by the Black Riders to Elrond's palace, where he stops in a stream. Suddenly the stream rises up for some reason and kills the black riders just as Frodo passes out.

He wakes up in the palace with Gandalf there. He tells him that Sauroman is evil and that he put him on the roof, so he was scared because it was high up. Then a big bird came and gave him a little ride to the castle. Now I've heard this said before, but why wouldn't the bird just fly Frodo right to Mount Doom in like an hour, then he just throws the ring in and goes home. I mean they fly him back in the 3rd movie, why couldn't he just hitch a ride with them?

So after some atrocious dialogue scenes between Arwen and Aragorn, Frodo finds Bilbo, now hideously old and deformed, is living with the elves. He's still completely insane and freaks out on Frodo whenever he sees the Ring.

Anyway, Elrond holds a council with all his bestest friends to decide on what's gonna happen with this Ring bullshit. Basically, The dwarf tries to destroy it, Aragorn acts stoic, Legolas acts like a complete girly man (what do you expect from Orlando Bloom?) and Boromir gives this incredibly stupid line about using the ring to their advantage. This guy is written like a drunk, and I have no idea why he's even there.

They all start fighting about nothing, then Frodo says that he'll take the ring to Mordor. So they have a fellowship of 9, which consists of Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin, Aragorn, Gandalf, Gimli, Legolas, and Drunkard-I mean Boromir.

This is the stupidest idea. Why are 9 fucking people going on a the most important thing in the history of ever? They have like thousands of Elf Soldiers, why not just send all of them to breach Mordor and drop the ring in. And even if I were to accept that 9 people are going to do this, it's not 9 of the best trained soldiers in the kingdom, it's a midget, weird identical twins, a fat kid, a homeless guy, an old man who played Magneto, a drunk, a little dwarf with a beard, and a transsexual. For fuck's sake, what is this, the odd couple, but with 9 of them?!

Part 12: What are these people talking about?

So we're off, on our long walk to Mount Doom. This is the point where this movie just completely stops making any sense at all. The parts before this were bad, but this is the part where everything just dies.

So apparently Sauroman can control the weather (which I'm surprised he doesn't do more often) so he sends a blizzard to knock them off the side of the hill. It completely fails and next thing we know they're sitting by a pond on a clear day. Why doesn't he just shoot a lighting bolt and kill Frodo? What the fuck?

So at this Pond, they discuss whether or not they should walk over the mountains, or go into this stupid place that we never heard of called the mines of Moria. To this day I really don't understand what this place is, but from what I can gather dwarves mine gold there. Gimli says that his cousin is mining there with a party and he wants to go chill with his cousin, despite the fact that there's Orcs crawling all over the place and they could get killed in like a second. But Frodo decides to go in the mines. This is the problem with hiring an inexperienced midget to do the most important thing ever. He's bound to make some really dumb decisions. Wouldn't it be more advantageous to go through the mountains, because there's no Orcs?

But, so we can have a ball numbing action scene, we go to the mines.

Oh yeah, action. Isn't thats something you'd expect this movie to have? Nope. Just walking.

So they get to the mines but Gandalf needs a secret password to get in. Ok, I'm gonna let that slide, because it's not too big of a problem, it's just kind of silly. I mean, what is it, a clubhouse?

The other reason I'm not tearing it apart is because following is two of the stupidest scenes in movie history. One only lasts a couple seconds, but it's so fucking dumb. For some reason, Aragorn lets their only horse go. Oh, yeah! Some great fucking king this guy would make! I've made a list of all the reasons why this decision is absolutely retarded.

1: A horse could carry your things as to not slow you down in the event of an orc attack.
2: If there is an Orc attack, you could put Frodo on the horse which would allow him to get away faster.
3: If you run out of food in the mines, the horse could serve as a meal to keep you going.

The thing practically pays for itself! So why in the fuck do they get rid of it?!

"The mines of moria are no place for a horse."

Good fucking explanation! Anything to back that up?! No?! Ok. Go fuck yourself.

And the next stupid scene occurs when the dumb fucking hobbits are tossing rocks in the water by the mine entrance while waiting for Gandalf to figure out the password. Then, the "best king ever" Aragorn, tells them "don't tempt the waters."

Well what the fuck does that mean? "Don't tempt the waters?!!!" Are they serious?! What kind of a shitty line is that?! How is he "tempting" fucking water?! It's a goddamn lake! I mean granted, there's a sea monster in it, but Aragorn doesn't know that! Plus, how is that tempting it by throwing rocks at it! Not one fucking iota of sense can be made from that!

But it goes further. Gandalf gets that the password is the elvish word for friend, even through the mines of Moria are for Dwarves. Whatever. They all start to enter, but then this stupid CGI water monster pops up and grabs Frodo. Is it because it was getting rocks thrown at it?! But Frodo wasn't throwing the rocks! It's for plot convenience, if people saw Merry or Pippin get grabbed they'd start chanting eat him!

So apparently this macguffin was vaguely alluded to by Aragorn's stupid line, but this sea monster is such a convenient way for us to have an action scene because Peter knows the audience is getting fucking bored at this point. So he throws in this little sea monster. They make it into this big abstract deal like "there are worse things in the dark places of the earth than Orcs." It was a litte fight because he got mad that he got pelted with a little rock! Oooohhh! I'm really scared of the over the top tentacle sea monster that looks like Kang and Kodos from the Simpsons!

So they get inside and start walking around as usual. Gimli is looking for his cousin, but then they find a journal that says that he died in an Orc attack. So the bad news is: there's orcs sweeping the place. And the good news is: since Gimli's cousin is dead, we don't need to deal with another stupid, inconsistent, poorly written supporting character.


So they walk, and they walk, and they walk...

The abridged version of my review: Walking. The End.

No, sadly I am forced to tear apart every aspect of this fucker.

So one of their, who'da thunk it, "walks," Frodo sees someone following them. He asks Gandalf, and Gandalf says it's Gollum. Time for another list:

1: How did Gandalf know it was Gollum? He never looked and all Frodo saw was a shadow.
2: The first time I saw this, I had no idea who Gollum was. I had to go back and watch it again to realize they mention him in the opening. But that was just a vague reference to "The Hobbit," now he's a major character?! Why?!
3: The only thing keeping Gollum alive for all that time was The Ring, so after 77 years without it don't you think he would've fucking bit the dust already?!

God I'm getting annoyed.

But don't go yet folks! We're about to get to the mindless video game action!

So the fucking stupid hobbits once again act fucking stupid and drop a barrel into a well for absolutely no fucking reason whatsoever. The goddamn fucking Orcs hear them and make a big attack. They have their stupid fight and Frodo gets hit, but he had a shirt that Bilbo gave him that protected him from it. So they're running out and then this thing that looks like a really short version of Megatron comes out and Gandalf fights him and falls off the ledge and dies. Boo fucking hoo. If you think about it, Gandalf is constantly in and out of the movies. He's never always there.

So they run away into the forest which is where they should have just gone from the start and go to this secret elf province where the three rings made for them are kept in secret. Why don't they just use those to fight the dark lord? And what happened to the 7 dwarf rings? I don't know if i can keep going on with this. This movie sucks so fucking much. Not one goddamn thing makes one iota of sense.

Part 14: Please god, make it stop, make it end!

So for some reason, this sudden new conflict arises where Frodo needs to decide if they're going to break their fellowship. Well why the fuck is that even a question?! Why would you send a hobbit into fucking Mordor of all places alone?! I mean, it was even stupid sending 9 people, let alone one! Frodo can't defend himself if he gets attacked?! Plus, what are Aragorn, Boromir, Gimli, Legolas, Sam, Merry, and Pippin going to do?! Just fight Orcs?! If you destroy the ring it will kill all the orcs!! I'm fucking losing it with this shit!!! Why is this suddenly a problem?!! Why the fuck did this come about, and why is so suddenly and abruptly introduced to the audience out of fucking nowhere!!!???

So ANYWAY, the fucking stupid hobbits ride up a lake to get to the other side because supposedly there's less Orcs. They talk about whether or not they should break their fellowship and some other stupid shit.

So Boromir gets drunk again and yells at Frodo, then tries to steal the ring. Again, why did they take this guy? I mean, the only ones who seem to have any competence in this group is Aragorn and Legolas. And sometimes Gimli. When he's not being fat and pounding drinks. I mean, why didn't they just send Aragorn into Mordor? Yeah, actually, that makes a lot more sense. Isn't he the rightful heir to the ring? Isn't it his task to destroy it? Why does it fall on Frodo? Because his fat uncle told him to?!

So suddenly, when Frodo gets away from Ginny the Drunk, he gets attacked by Orcs. Apparently they crossed a 10 ft lake also! Wow! Aragorn pops out and fights them and Frodo runs away. He hops in a boat and its completely unclear what he's doing at this point. Then Sam jumps in the boat and through some awfully written dialogue we find that Frodo is breaking the fellowship and Sam is going with him. Genius I tell you. Genius.

So stupid fuckin' Merry and Pippin get attacked but Ginny the Drunk comes to help them out and gets shot by arrows and dies. Again: Boo fucking Hoo. Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas go after the kidnapped Merry and Pippin, and Frodo and Sam go off to Mordor, thus concluding, the first part in the unholy trilogy.

Part 15: "Thank God, now I can finally stop reading this stupid review by this dumb kid who thinks I care about his opinion because he has a blog."-You

So, what have we learned? I mean, this movie is such a massive fucking failure. It has such an over-detailed and expansive plot that it's impossible to fit it into any length. But that's the problem really. This movie is too fucking long. And I wouldn't mind if the pacing was okay, the characters wer fleshed out, and the plot holes weren't so many and so close together. I mean, anyone with half a brain could punch so many fucking holes in this plot it would look like a piece of half-eaten swiss cheese afterwards.

So why did this do so well?! Because Peter Jackson knows how to trick an audience. It covers up its many plot holes with drawn out CGI battles that entertain retarded people. So, we've learned that you can make a piece of shit movie, but make tons of money and get great reviews because you have a pre-disposed fan base. (Revenge of the Sith, anyone?)

But it goes further than just tricking your audience. To describe this, I'd like to tell you an anecdote called "The Emperor's New Clothes." A scheming merchant goes to the emperor empty-handed, but pretends that he's woven magical clothing, that only intelligent people can see. The emperor says that he loves it, in fear of saying he is unintelligent. The merchant is Peter Jackson. The clothes are this movie. And the emperor is YOU.

So am I saying that if you like Lord of the Rings, you're a stupid person with no penis? Yes. That's exactly what I'm saying.

This movie gets a rare 0 out of 10. I mean, I gave Attack of the Clones a 1, but this is just dreadful. No value can be derived from this.






Tuesday, February 8, 2011

The Lord of the Rings Review Announcement

I know it's taking awhile, but hold on it's coming.

Originally I had a much shorter Reviewgasm written, but I decided to write a longer one, seeing as I shouldn't condense my self, as there is so much wrong with this movie. The end result is my longest review ever: coming out to be somewhere around 17 pages. So hang in there buttfucks.